Beautiful message

I recently received a beautiful message from a person I do not know, I know usually when you receive messages from strangers you either ignore or get very worried. I dont even know how this person found my email address but I will say his message was a blessing and I really appreciate it. The words in this email really brightened up my day and made me feel good about myself, so I am going to show you, this message may also help you personally feel good. Happy reading x

Title: Every continued blessing

You have no idea,
The great things that are about to happen to you,
The great endeavors you will do,
How you will inspire others to succeed.
You have only caught a glimpse of all of the wonderful things that shall come to pass.

And if people offer their help or wisdom as you go through life, accept it gratefully. You can learn much from those who have gone before you but never be afraid or hesitant to step off the accepted path and head off in your own direction, if your heart tells you that it's the right way for you. Always believe that you will ultimately succeed at whatever you do, and never forget the value of persistence, discipline, and determination.
You are meant to be whatever you dream of becoming.

A brand new me

I have been away from my blog, facebook and all other social network sites that I am on. I have been gradually adapting to motherhood, I have been very busy the past 2 months getting my son settled in to his new environment and making sure we are stable. The times we are living in is very difficult at the moment especially with all the cut backs, people losing their jobs and newly developed homes appearing on every corner. I personally would have loved to bring my son in to the world knowing that I was happily married, living & owned a big comfortable house, had a family car and have millions in the bank but lets be realistic that is just not how I am living right now.

I am happy and proud to say I have brought my son in to the world knowing that I am a strong loving single parent, he has a roof over his head, a big group of close family and friends who really love & support him and have enough money to help us get by.

Becoming a mother has helped me change so much as a person, when becoming a parent you really have to grow up and become a great role model to your child. As tiring as it is being a parent it is very enjoyable and I feel highly blessed to have been given this perfect gift, my son.

In the space of 2 months he has grown and developed so much, he smiles, laughs, babbles and has a high interest in watching tv. His personality is showing through and he really is a funny character. Everyday communication with him and introducing him to childrens educational programmes has really helped him become more alert. Seeing his progression helps me see that I am doing things the right way and I feel proud of myself. This time last year I never thought I would be a mother so soon! but I must say I love being a mother. At times it can be hard as you dont really have time for yourself especially as a nursing mother, there is so much to do feed the baby, change the baby, bath the baby, clean the house, buy baby stuff, buy stuff for yourself, sort out babies documents, visitors coming around all the time etc etc.

There has been days that I had not been able to comb & style my hair, wear my best outfits or get my nails done so once again I decided to shave my hair all off (going natural) and not stress about my image. Since shaving my hair I dont have to worry about combing my hair which is a relief as before that I looked like a wild jungle woman on a daily basis. I can also breathe. Becoming a parent you have to learn to adjust to change, its like starting a new life, living as a new you.

Motherhood does have its down sides but Im learning to accept them and be appreciative as there are women out there who cant or have not had children and would do anything to become a mother. My body has really changed and it is not how I like it to be but If I want that to change I know I need to work on it. I look back at pictures when my body was slim and flawless, I now have extra fat on my body, Im 2 sizes bigger than I used to be and I have gained stretchmarks on my thighs and belly. I have also had to deal with many sleepless nights like every other mother or father who cares for their child which is really really draining. I find myself rocking my son to sleep with 1 eye closed the other open at night sometimes, thats how tired I am, I fight sleep. But you have to look at the bright side of things its all for my son. The first month with my son I was quite down about how I looked but now I love the way I look! I love & accept every stretch mark and can see the beauty within them. My stretch marks are the result of my beautiful healthy little boy! This excess fat can be toned and it will be toned.

I have been working on a 30 day challenge that consists of living good and being good. I am currently on day 7 of my challenge which is a day of rest, and I must say I have been in need of rest! So today I have been in my pjs lying in bed with my son having mother and son time bonding. I will post up my 30 day challenge within the week and maybe you can try it also! I am on a mission to live a healthy lifestyle and see life in a positive light everyday of my life. The day my son entered the world is the day I promised to make a positive change and now its time to really put that in to action, not only for the sake of my son but for my sake too.

I have ended unhealthy friendships, taken myself off twitter as who really has time to update their status every other minute???, ammended the websites I do control and keep myself away from the internet. It is time to focus on me and my son. Our lives, our happiness, our future, our development. I have so much to think about and so much to work towards, so many challenges to face. I have a big responsibility now as a parent, my aim is to inspire my son, let him live a good healthy lifestyle and to live in pure love and happiness. I want to raise him with a positive mind and positive action, I want him to live his life to the fullest. But to do that I need to set the example and show him how to live this life, to do this I need to start with me!

If their is anybodies life I can control its my own! and I choose to live a happy life, with my son now being here has made me realise this, so I am enjoying everyday from now on and giving thanks to God above for all my blessings

x

The new mummy me!

Wow it has been a long time since I have written out my thoughts, feelings and visions reason being............(drumroll please)..............

IM A MUMMY NOW! TO A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE BOY!

The birth of my son was the most amazing feeling and I am so grateful to be blessed with this wonderful gift. Im settling in to motherhood and I must say as enjoyable as it is looking into the eyes of my baby boy and seeing him smile it is also a very very hard role to play. The sleepless nights, demand breastfeeding, change of body, constant nappy changing and the slow memory I now have is a lot to take on.

I have watched my body change from slim & slender to a huge pumpkin sized belly to a small jelly belly with stretchmarks that look like train line connections....yeah you keep laughing but I will let you know as wonderful as pregnancy and being a mother is why do people not tell you the truth about the body changes, pains etc

So for some of you that are not aware of the dramatic changes I will tell you about mine, so here goes!

* Weight gain: I gained 30lbs and I could really see this weight on my hips, thighs, legs, belly and bum. I had the impression that I was going to have a big baby as I had gained quite a bit of weight for my height and size but to my surprise my son was a nice sized 7"4lbs. Now that I have lost a lot of weight I still have the thunder thighs that jiggle when I walk and a belly that hangs!. Through my pregnancy I did not have cravings I ate everything and anything, greed really took over and I was not thinking of a healthy weight, my mind was focused on keeping my belly satisfied (big mistake! because.................)
* Skin changes: stretchmarks started to creep on my bum, belly and thighs once I hit 8 months pregnant. I was so happy before this stage when I had only 1 tiny stretch mark that you could barely see, I was flaunting it to all my friends and family feeling proud and ready to get my slim & trim body back. I really followed peoples advice when they said use bio oil and cocoa butter as it will prevent stretchmarks............well I had a reality check! It does not work, stretchmarks are down to your genetics. If your mother and grandmother got them from pregnancy so will you, embrace it!. Now that I have lost the weight my stomach has got extremely dark and the stretch marks are very visible, like shiny snail trails, looks like I will not be flaunting my belly to the world.
* Water retention: Yes I gained kankles! and I am so glad they have gone. It was very uncomfortable walking around with swollen ankles, I had to rest my feet up alot. As fun as resting sounds it was not, I became very bored and ended up snacking out all the time in front of the tv. Kankles are very unattractive in a skirt, leggings you name it.
* Stomach & back pains: My belly got so big I left a belly bump dent in my mattress! and sleeping on my side was very uncomfortable, to turn to the other side was a challenge also, it took so long to turn around to the other side, I would huff and puff like I was carrying heavy shopping bags. Doctors do not tell you that lying on your side for so long gives you pain down your sides either, I felt like I had been beaten up. My back could no longer take the heavy weight and the pain became unbearable. I was beginning to waddle when I walked, I reminded myself of a penguin with extra extra weight.
* Pregnancy brain: yes this exists, you become very forgetful and your mind is all over the place. I had to stick post its around my room to remind me of the littlest things and somehow I still managed to forget to check the post its, I still have pregnancy brain to this day and so I have to put major plans on hold for maybe another month or 2 or 3!
* Toilet trips: *sigh* I am so glad toilet trips are over!, I was waddling to the toilet many times a day and night during pregnancy, it felt like such a task. Once you finished on the toilet it was a struggle to go back to sleep which was really annoying.
* Baby kicks: More like punches and thumps! sometimes these did hurt and I would have to tell my child to settle down in there. Night time is when he would really go crazy with the kicks and thumps and so sleeping became a difficulty as I was scared to lie on a side where he was moving a lot in case I hurt him. Sometimes you cant help yourself especially when your a first time mother

Now that my son is here I will be letting him know about pregnancy, the whole 10 months, 17 hours of labour, natural birth and my 3rd degree tear! but on the bright side I love him so much and will cherish him for the rest of my life, I feel very blessed to have him and looking at him I feel LOVE grow within me everyday stronger and stronger

x

Finding the outer goddess

A few days ago I went out for a meal with some of my friends that I have not seen in a while, it was an enjoyable catch up. It was nice to see everybodies progression within their careers, relationships and social life. What I did really admire was all of their fashion styles, it made me really thing about my appearance. Since being pregnant I find myself not looking how I want to look and it really got me thinking how can I change my image. Women are forever changing their images from hairstyles to make up looks to dress sense, I have found in the last 2 years my image has changed a lot. I have gone from long dark hair to long brown hair to classical dark hair to shaved and now I have a natural small fro. My body has gone from slim to athletic to curvy and this is not down to diets.

Now that I am older there is a certain image I want to achieve which I am now trying to achieve. I want a chic, sophisticated, classy yet sexy look so the last week I have been looking on the internet at styles, fashion and looks that I really like and would like to put in to my new image. Us women spend so much money in keeping up with our appearances when you calculate the amount we spend it is a very very high number. I am trying to save my money for future investments and so I know I have to work on my image on a budget. Being realistic I feel a lot of us women should learn how to do things on a budget and cut down on over spending. I tell every woman you can look beautiful with only £5 in your pocket its not about what you wear its about how you wear it.

Women stress themselves to wear top designer labels and will sacrifice so much to buy a designer oufit. Now I know I am not a millionaire and a brand is just a brand to me. Yes some of these designer clothing looks beautiful but I can find something just as nice for much cheaper. Just because a celebrity is wearing it does not mean I have to get it to look nice. I shop within my budget and with all the cut backs going on I cannot afford a pair of £3000 shoes or a £300 hair treatment. I can look just as good as these celebrities with myself styled hair and my tkmaxx dress with shoes and myself applied make up. So here is how I will be doing it on a budget:

I will be very honest and say I DO NOT DIET, its just not something I am really interested in. I have gained quite a bit of weight due to being pregnant and I actually love the curves I have gained. I feel more womanly with bigger thighs, bum, hips and bust. I have never really been keen on diets as I do not stick to them, I am a big fan of food! So I am not prepared to stop eating the foods I enjoy. Now diets include exercise and with exercise I do not fully commit to it, this is down to me putting it off or the fact that the classes I am interested in costs quite a lot of money. 1 thing I really do want in my life is to live a healthier lifestyle and so I know I will have to change my eating habits and make an effort with exercise. Since I love the curves I have gained I do not really want to get rid of them, I am aware that my bust eventually will decrease and so will my stomach and so I am prepared for it. So to maintain the body type I want I have decided to work on my eating habits, I can eat the foods I like but in moderation, I also need to add either salad or vegetables with each meal so I am getting the nutrients I need. As much as I love fried foods I know I need to reduce the intake and so I will treat myself once a week with fried foods and try grilled food. Since I love food I should have no problem with this!. Recently I purchased a yoga dvd and to my surprise I really enjoyed it, it was very relaxing and included a meditation session. Now this is something I am willing to do at home at least once a week as it does relax my mind and makes my body feel much lighter. For the last year I have watched people go walking with a friend as exercise, now this is something I really want to do. Not only is walking a brilliant form of exercise it is nice to have a workout buddy who you can have a girly chat with at the same time. The problem is none of my friends are really interested in doing this form of exercise so this month I am on a search for a workout buddy. It is time to get toned up and get that much needed healthy body.

Moving on to my hair and makeup situation, Lord have mercy on my soul! There was a time I was quite good at applying makeup on myself and others but for the past year I have been living au natural so in other words make up free. I like the way I look naturally but the truth is I have dark circles around my eyes which I cannot get rid of, my skin is uneven tone and plus once in a while us ladies want a bit of creativity on our faces just to bring out the beauty a bit more. But a lack of applying makeup on my face has left me with very bad makeup skills. A trip to MAC is needed so they can advise me on natural looking make up styles and trendy eye looks for nights out. My hair is in the process of being saved as maintaining a short afro is very hard work, there is not much you can do with it but let it grow. I am trying to get my hair to grow healthily so I can do a nice crop with it as it is part of the lady look I am going for. I have invested money in organics olive oil collection and am devoting once every two weeks to a treatment and will be taking better care of my hair which I have not been doing. I am no hair expert and so I have had to look at hair blogs for help and have asked for advice. So hopefully in a month or 2 my hair will be looking presentable!

Dress sense has been difficult as being pregnant its hard to find attractive clothes and you don’t really want to spend lots of money on clothes you will only wear for a few months then have to get rid of. None of my trousers or dresses or tops fit so I have had to dish out money and buy a few tops and bottoms and believe me when I say they are not cute, I look like an ancient granny. But on the bright side I will be giving birth soon so once I have healed and baby is settled I will be able to work on my body and dress sense. As a mother I don’t feel dressing how I did when I was 18 is appropriate as I want to be a good role model to my child. I like short dresses and some fitted dresses but I know if I want to put this in to my image there is a certain style I would have to go for. So I have spent some time looking on the internet at celebrity hairstyles, make up & fashion. 1 thing I do have to stress to people is that I am not trying to look like these celebrities what I do is look at certain short hairstyles I like or make up styles I would like to try or see how they match certain clothes so that I can see how I can mix and match clothes within my wardrobe. The aim of my image is to be the woman I want to be so that is being myself but improving myself. Stepping out of my young girl look and stepping in to my young woman/mother look. These are the styles I have seen on celebrities that I do like and would like to put in to my image. Now the next step is working on this image, I have given myself for the rest of this year to experiment with my style and once I have found the looks I like I shall keep them and work with them.





To find the goddess on the inside you also have to find her on the outside!

Lets talk about LOVE

LOVE, LOVE LOVE, what is the meaning of the word love, the word love is used in many conversations every day many times a day. You tend to hear people say I love him, I love her, I love my job, I love tennis, I love art etc. Today I read up on the word love in the dictionary and this is what they say the meaning of love is:

* a strong feeling of affection:
babies fill parents with intense feelings of love
their love for their country

*a strong feeling of affection and sexual attraction for someone:
they were both in love with her
we were slowly falling in love

* affectionate greetings conveyed to someone on one's behalf:
give her my love

* a formula for ending an affectionate letter:
take care, lots of love, Judy

* a great interest and pleasure in something:
his love for football
we share a love of music

* [count noun] a person or thing that one loves:
she was the love of his life
their two great loves are tobacco and whisky

Now looking at this I cant help but think to myself too many people use and abuse the word LOVE, I have been guilty of this in the past too, we all do it and there are people that still do it. People feel I am rude & stuck up when I stare at them blankly with no response when they use the word LOVE in a sentence. When I do this it is not intentional. My intentions are not to be rude or to hurt anyone, Its the simple fact that when they use the word LOVE in a sentence I cant help but wonder do they even know the meaning of love????

How can you tell me you love your boyfriend so much but you snoop inside his phone to see who he talks to or you gave your number to a guy you met on the weekend because he seemed nice and had a nice car???

or you love tennis but yet you have never been to a tennis match before and you only know 2 tennis players names???

or you love your girlfriend so much and shes the one although you've cheated on her twice & still play around with other females????

And another thing about Love the doesnt make sense to me is when people say we fell in love, how do you fall in love??? did you fall in to your heart or his/her heart? was he/her someone you did not like before?. I do not believe in falling in love with someone, I believe when you first meet someone love should be there from the beginning and eventually with time your love for each other grows. Just like how a flower blooms Love blooms, it increases in size, your heart increases in size, your feelings and passion increase inside.

The times my exes told me they loved me I believed it because I was simply naive and did not understand the meaning of love, it just felt nice to hear someone say it. People need to understand the meaning first before they use it but saying this they need to understand the meaning of the word INFATUATION which is really what my exes felt for me and vice versa. I believe if it was love we would still be holding on to each other and going on strong. So here is the meaning of infatuation:

* an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone or something:
he had developed an infatuation with the girl
I hope this is merely a passing infatuation

does this sound familiar????

Now to me all this I love my boyfriend, I love tennis blah blah is not love at all! I strongly believe in LOVE and I really respect the word and meaning. To me personally I believe to love something or someone means you appreciate, your passionate, your committed, you have faith in and you are dedicated to it. Love is a powerful feeling that you can not get out of your mind or heart, the feeling is so strong that you give your all to it, you do not give up on it, you trust in it. It excites you, it fulfills you, it completes you.

If you tell me you LOVE movies, Id expect you to know many actors names, you have a big dvd collection and you go to the cinema very regular. If you love acting Id expect you to be a performing arts student or you go to drama school regular, learn scripts, analyse actors and attend castings. If you tell me you love someone Id expect you to make a lot of time for them, communicate with them very regular, you grow with them and share with them. This is what LOVE really is!

Now because I believe strongly that this is what the meaning of love is Im sure people will find when I use the sentence LOVE it tends to include food, movies, God, my family and my unborn child.

Me and food are like best friends, I enjoy food so much that when people mention it or meeting up for dinner I get excited lol, I even eat what I have slight allergies too!. I am a movie fanatic! my dvd collection is ridiculous, I spend so much money on dvds that you would think my father owns hmv. God is my creator and without him I would not have faith or this life I live. My family are my everything! we are so close and the bond we have is really unbreakable!. My unborn child is the most amazing, precious gift I have ever been blessed with and is mine to cherish forever! These are the things and people I love and I say that because its true.

When you mention the word LOVE not only should you be true to who you are saying it to but be true to yourself, is it really something you love or is it an infatuation/phase?

Once you understand the real meaning of love and know what you really love things become much clearer to you, you know more of what you want in life and obviously it would be more of the things you love.

Super Parent

The past few weeks I have been in deep thought about a topic that seems to be talked about all the time in such a negative way......................SINGLE PARENTS

I have never quite understood how people can judge someone for being a lone parent, immediately when you hear single parent people assume they live in a very poor community, they live off government money, they have no goals, their children grow up to be trouble makers and they have a lot of self anger. Now this is what I call a false created image of what a single parent is.

Being a parent full stop is very hard, there is so much to consider when bringing up a child, so many sacrifices are made. Your life completely changes. People feel with a mother and father a child lives a better life but the truth is this is not always the case. Parents argue, parents have disagreements and their are some families that go through mental abuse or physical abuse......is this a good life for a child? Not all families with both parents are perfect, but society wants everyone to believe it is and more problem areas are within single parent families.

The difference with having both parents and 1 parent is, to have both parents they have someone to make decisions with, and there is another person responsible for the childs upbringing. With a lone parent they make all the decisions by themselves and have full responsibility of their childs uprbringing..............do you really think this is easy????

When it comes to single parents I feel people need to stop and really look at the title SINGLE, LONE and realise what these parents are doing is truly amazing! as they are doing it aLONE. To raise a child financially, emotionally, physically and mentally by yourself is a major challenge. What people fail to realise is that some of these parents have dreams and goals and some of them really go for it! to do this and support a child by yourself, you deserve so much respect. Yes there are a few that give up but do you not think that is because they find it so hard doing it alone? does that mean we should judge them and make them feel worthless?

Instead of us showing lone parents more support we label them and give them a description which is so wrong! not every lone parent is the same, although they are single parents they have their own personalities, their own views on life so who are we to judge?! and lets not forget most lone parents do not want to be a lone parent, it is because of a situation that they are now lone parents. In most cases its due to a parent not wanting to be apart of the childs life, a break up in the relationship, domestic violence, a parent not really being supportive, a parent being mentally unstable or in prison.

Now I find it very wrong to blame all problems within the community on single parents, just because you are lone parent does not mean you will raise your child to be a bully to society or your child will be uneducated. Yes it is more of a struggle to raise your child financially but there are some wealthy people out there who have notorious children who are involved in drugs and crime. Crime comes from all backgrounds; rich, poor, black, white, asian, single parents, partnered etc. How you raise your child is your choice, we all know how we want our children to be raised or how we want them to live but it doesnt always work this way. people need to be aware that once a child is out of their parents sight they tend to play a different character due to peer pressure, this is not the parents fault. If you want to blame someone blame the government for taking away so many community clubs for children which was helping them focus on something positive instead of being on the streets up to no good. Give a child something enjoyable to do and thats where there focus will be.

I have a few friends who are single parents and are brilliant parents! they work, drive, make time for friends and family and their kids always come first. There are many celebrities who are lone parents and have successful careers for example Elle Macpherson, Jodie Foster, Lisa Raye, Minnie Driver, Sandra Bullock, Cheryl Crow, Ricky Martin. People are so quick to judge without getting to know what it is to really be a single/lone parent. It means exactly what it says a parent doing it alone, a parent playing both roles which is not easy at all.

I personally have so much love, respect and support towards single parents. In my eyes your SUPER PARENT! and I applaud you for your hardwork in supporting your child/ children and yourself by yourself!

x

Body beautiful or body confused?

I recently came across a video of a reality tv star Heidi Montag who not so long ago had 10 or more surgical procedures in 1 day. Her frame of mind has changed from how she first felt about surgery and I feel the need to express my thoughts on this topic. As a woman myself I feel women in general are put under so much pressure to have the image of the ideal woman. But the major question is "what is the ideal woman?"

There was a point in my life where I really wanted breast implants and went crazy searching for the best plastic surgeons in the UK. I thought If I had bigger boobs I would feel more womanly, now I ask myself who gave me the thought that having big boobs makes you more womanly? I continuously watched videos on breast enlargement and the more I watched the more I became concerned about the risks. I eventually researched womens after results and to my surprise there were quite a few negative that really put me off and since then I have permanently ruled out surgery for myself.

When I watched extreme makeovers I would have been 1 of the first to judge women who go through these surgeries, diets etc to enhance their appearance but that is because of a lack of knowledge and ignorance. It is only recently I done some research on the history of the ideal woman and suprisingly it goes back to many many years ago within slavery times. In those years the ideal woman should have had a thin nose, slim body frame, pert bust and silky long natural hair. Women would stuff their bras with tissue, bleach their hair & skin, straighten their hair etc. Now adays that has sligghtly changed. Bleaching is still on a rise, straigthening hair but now we have cosmetic surgery which is hugely expanding.

Some say the ideal woman is a woman with bleach blonde hair, big boobs and thin framed. Some say a woman with a small waist, curvy hips, tanned skin and big boobs, some say a woman who is thin all over........so which one is it?

I personally feel the media are a major influence on women & men! The media tends to show us what they believe is the ideal woman and so many of us are really taken by this to the point we begin to change the way we look to look like what we see on the tv and in magazines. The media tell women this is how you should look and they tell men this is what your girlfriend/wife/partner should look like.

The media are very aware of the strong influence they have on women and are very aware that women spend a lot of money on magazines, watching reality shows to look and feel like these women they see being advertised. For many years the media have promoted diets, exercise regimes, fashion musts and the ideal look a woman should have. What they fail to promote is what some of these things cause..... eating disorders, drug abuse, body strain, stress, debt, intense surgical procedures etc

Women are beginning to lose their own identities as they are trying so hard to be someone else, someone who society sees as beautiful. How many times do we see Kim Kardashian, Rihanna, Cheryl cole in magazines???? to be beautiful do we have to walk around with bright red hair? whitened teeth? full make up on? botox? what is it that we are actually telling ourselves?......................that we are not beautiful the way we are and that these celebs are beautiful?

Yes they are beautiful but we fail to realise that they are in the public eye and are put under so much pressure to look perfect on a daily basis. If they attempt to live a day being natural the media are so malicious and will say things to really break them. How we see them in a magazine or on tv is not how they look naturally there is a lot of hair, make up, styling and editing put in to their looks. I find it quite shocking how magazines will enhance body parts on a woman to make her look perfect, there are a lot of female celebs who notice this themselves and start to feel they need to change certain things on their bodies. celebs are influenced by what others say about them also, if anything they gain more insecurities than the average woman does. It is easier for them to reform their images as they have enough money to do all these surgical procedures and many plastic surgeons will not turn them away!

Plastic surgeons need money and will really make you believe that a little surgery can make you look better. But a little surgery can lead to multiple major surgeries this is what they will not tell you. There have been many incidents of surgeries gone wrong and once it has gone wrong sometimes it can never be fixed, sometimes it ends up in death!

I am not going to judge women who go through these surgeries. Some people say its ignorance, some say they are stupid or vain they simply have an insecurity. We all go through insecurities but we all react differently to our insecurities.
The best thing for us to do is be supportive and show them the pros and cons of changing their appearances. Watching the heidi montag video I felt proud of what she had to say, she does send out a positive and truthful message to women. What she went through must have been very hard, yes it was her choice but you need to consider what made her feel the need to change her looks in such a dramatic way in the first place. The answer is THE MEDIA!

It seems being natural is a disease in the modern world and being surgically enhanced is the way forward. If this is the case how do we know who we really are???

Transitions part 1

This month has been an emotional roller coaster for myself and I have not been able to achieve what I wanted to achieve on the outside which was an appearance makeover, what I have managed to achieve is an inside appearance makeover. To some this may not make sense and so I will explain.

Have you ever sat down and looked in the mirror and thought to yourself who am I? what am I here for? who am I meant to be? then the more you start to think more questions come to mind like who are my friends? what is the meaning of friends? and are these people really my friends? These are some of the questions I have been asking myself as I have hit a point in my life where I am trying to figure out what it is that I am searching for, what it is that I really want in my life.

I have changed so much in the last year, it is unbelievable! A lot of the interests I had many years ago I no longer have. I find myself branching out and trying new things, my problem is I do not have any friends who share these similar interests and so I am doing things alone. Sometimes its nice to experience things or talk to friends about these interests but how can you when they simply have no interest? I find myself outgrowing most of my friends, we hardly communicate with each other, we dont really see each other anymore, we live very different lifestyles now. Really paying attention to this has made me realise as hard as it is I need to let go of these people as they are no longer friends they have either become aquaintances or are now distant strangers.

I have been feeling recently like it is time to make new friends, friends who live a similar life style to me, friends who share the same interests, friends who possibly have the same career dreams and life goals as me. But the tricky part is where and how do I make friends like these? For years I have had visions of how my life would be and the type of friends I would have but in reality at this very moment in time my vision and my reality are very different. I find myself eager to find friends that I click with, people who I know I am meant to be around, people who really inspire me and make me enjoy life more.

Through my life friends have either let me down or hurt me in ways that a friend should never do. Some people take advantage of kindness, some take it to the extreme level and abuse your kindness. To me a friend is like family and family are there to love and support you not hurt and destroy you. I have learnt that I am always willing to help out a friend and be loving towards a friend but what I get in return is either half of that or nothing at all. The past few months I have really learnt who my real friends are and lets just say it is very limited! I can count my real friends on 1 hand. Its just like people say why is it the ones you care about the most are the ones who hurt you the most, well for me I feel because a) They may not share the same feelings as you or b) they know if they hurt you once and you forgive them they can do it again and you will forgive them again or c) its simply because you care about them so much. In my case when it comes to friendships it has always been all 3 a,b and c. Now that has to change! or I will forever be hurting within these type of friendships or I will be chopping and changing friends all the time.

I really need to work on putting my foot down and knowing when to say no! and enough is enough!. I am tired of being used and abused within my friendships, I really want to find real friends. Friends who are loving, supportive, funny, caring, positive minded, hardworking, up for trying new things and are not judgmental towards others.


I feel the next step for me is working on new friendships, trying out new activities, networking and meeting like minded people. As they say out with the old in with the new!

January goodness

Its almost the end of january! It feels like the days have flown by so quickly but I am so proud to say so much has been achieved within this month, more than I actually expected.

Starting off with the decorating of my home, now decorating is a LONG and TIRING task! Just to get all your belongings out of one room can take a full day or 2 especially if you have as much stuff as I do, now a few rooms had to be emptied in 2 days and that felt left my body feeling extremely stressed and tired. I was so glad when the rooms were cleared out for the decoraters to start their work. Well after 2 weeks of decorating and me having to sleep on my sisters floor I am soooooo glad to be home back in my bed! in a lovely new looking room! haha. I appreciate my sister letting me stay at her home especially as she has so much going on in her own life. But I am happy to be back home, Ive really missed my bed and being able to do what I usually do in my own home. The wait was definately worth it my room looks a lot better now. I had my room painted white and electric blue, then I added in white wardrobes to match my white summer bed. I love the way my room looks now and it looks so much bigger. Now the extremely hard task was deciding what to keep and put back in to my room and what to give to charity. I managed to let go of a lot of clothes, childhood stuffed toys and the most upsetting a lot of my books. I am a book worm! reading really relaxes me and I get lost in the book. So letting them go was tough but I have read them many times so its only right that someone else can enjoy them. My room is finally clutter free! January project has been achieved!

My next achievement really made my day as It is something I have always wanted but never ever happened. I have always wanted to be in a hair or beauty magazine but in the past I never met the right people to make this happpen or I would go to a casting full of so many females which usually ended in me not being selected as I did not have the right look. Last year and the year before I did manage to work with a few hairdressers and recieved some beautiful images but the images were not selected to be put in to magazines. But I am happy that finally 1 of my images is in the february/march 2011 issue of black hair & beauty magazine! yaaay me :)

My next achievement is I have really been working on my organisational skills, I have been putting daily tasks in my diary that I need to achieve. I have been very strict on myself and made sure I done the tasks even if they were boring or took forever to do. When completing a task I felt really proud of myself and praised myself which for some reason made me keep pushing myself to do the next task. I managed to organise all my dvds in to a huge case and list each dvd which took me 4 long hours but everything is in order and looks neat. So go me!

Now I am preparing for my february project which is based on health and beauty. I am going to learn to cook healthier meals from different countries and use natural beauty products. So pampering my self very reguarly and seeing what products work best on my skin. I will be taking care of my body inside and out, once I have found a regime that works for me I will use this regime for the rest of the year so I will start researching from now!

x

Welcome 2011

Emerging...........2010 has finally gone and welcome 2011!

Were still in the beginning of january and already good things are beginning to happen in my life and so I am smiling from ear to ear. I dont really celebrate the new years how many do, I stay away from the parties, drinking and dancing. I tend to have the day to myself to reflect on the last year. Well what can I say but in the space of a year I have grown so much and I am very proud of my accomplishments within my own self development. I have learnt so much about myself as a person and have managed to see what next steps I can take in the new year to progress with my development. Looking back at last years vision board I did manage to achieve most of my goals, the ones I did not achieve was simply because they were not realistic.

So this new years I decided to work on a new vision board which is very realistic and I believe to be achievable within the year. I also purchased a new journal to write out my daily thoughts, opinions and realisations within my life so that I have something to always look back on and see my progression. I then wrote out a list of goals and to my amazement I have achieved 2 of those goals already!

This year I have chosen to learn how to be more responsible and independant. I have always had the support of my family which is great but at the same time it hasnt really helped me be mainly responsible for certain tasks or do things on my own. Ive always had someones opinion or advice or somehow ended up doing what others wanted me to do. So I feel now is the time to learn a bit more about being an adult and learning how to manage new life skills on my own. I want to be in the kitchen more learning how to cook new foods, I want to learn how to manage money properly and be able to look after myself and others. I want to be able to make my own decisions on certain things. So this is what I am working on for this year.

Every month I shall dedicate myself to a life project and so Januarys project is redecorating and revamping. This week I have had the decoraters over and they are painting the house and so the house looks like a walk in storage! but once the place is all painted I can start sorting my things properly. I think its about time the house was decluttered and revamped, my room especially! I have let go of my wardrobes, dressing mirror, some clothing and I am changing the whole look of my room which works with my personality. The money that has been dished out for this project is A LOT but I believe the end result makes it worth it and so Im looking forward to the outcome.

My house is not the only thing that needs revamping I DO!, I have decided to change my look as I find I am growing more in to the woman I have always wanted to be and the way I once dressed or had my hair is not really my style anymore. So I am planning on adjusting things in my wardrobe making a few small changes here and there, changing my hair style, changing my style of make up although I dont really wear make up unless I am going out somewhere special. So for me personally this month will be a very interesting and exciting!

I also celebrated my birthday which was very different to what I normally do and the way I celebrated it this year I really enjoyed. I kept it very simple but sweet, I stayed at home with the family having a good chit chat and ordered thai food. The food was lovely and the time spent with my family was really enjoyable. 1 thing I am not really keen on is organising events and so I decided to just do something vesry basic with the family but that something basic ended up being one of the best birthdays I have ever had. The messages and well wishes I recieved from family, friends and aquaintances by phone, social network sites and emails were really appreciated and I feel blessed that people took some time out of their day to think about me. I am so grateful for all the love I recieved and I am going to continue to enjoy this month.

My 2011 affirmation: “I believe and have faith in myself and my God. Everything is going extremely well in my life and my world.” “I can and will achieve my every goal I have set within my life!”

x

Music, the key to the soul

The last week for me has been a turn around, And a turn around for the better!
Every morning this week I have started my day playing old skool classics and every evening playing chillout soul music. Now I must tell you just through this week I feel my life had suddenly changed, I have been smiling non stop, humming and dancing through my daily activities and the best part is I feel full of life.

It is amazing how music can change your frame of mind and feelings, no matter what mood you are in good or bad music has a way of really lifting your spirits. Now my advice to people would be listen to music that you enjoy but music that has positive words in it! If you listen to music about heartbreak, anger and violence it puts you in this negative mood. Every morning listen to music that you really enjoy, music about love, happiness, it doesnt matter how cheesy the song as long as it gets you singing and dancing. When you do this every morning just analyse carefully how your mood changes and your day seems to go by fast with no problems through your day.

The positive words in the song made you feel good and shifted your frame of mind to happiness. Remember your feelings attract certain things in your life. If you feel happy you attract more happiness, if you feel angry you attract more anger etc etc. Now I suggest when you are home in the evening play music that relaxes you and will help you sleep peacefully. Good sleep means waking up feeling refreshed and happy, because your bady was relaxed, it helps you ease in to a good sleep.

Music helps you see yourself in a new light, the words in a song can make you feel beautiful, or bring up a happy memory, or help you visualize where you want to be or how you want to live. Music fills your heart with love and joy which radiates and attracts more love and joy.

I have decided to make this a daily routine for myself as I feel in just a space of a week my life has got so much better, I am no longer looking at my situation as an issue, I am no longer worried or fearful about what happens next. I am enjoying being in the now and I visualise what happens next to be great things, happiness, laughter, love, fun, adventure, travel, food & drink, my family and friendships expanding.

x

Who are our friends???

We are finally in december HOORAY! The new year will be here soon!

Have you started making plans for the new year?, thought about a new years resolution? Written out your 2011 goals? learnt anything from this year?
Well I certainly have! The last month has been a LONG, lonely and stressful month. I have been going through a lot of hurt and I am beginning to rise above it. I am currently in a situation which should be a joyous and happy situation but this has not been the case at all, instead it has been miserable and this is all down to 2 people. Myself and an ex friend.

I have added to this pain because I let this other person hurt me through their actions and verbal abuse instead of speaking up, walking away from it and blocking it out of my life. This person has hurt me to the point I have lost all respect for them, it is so strange how friends can change. Sometimes I am so puzzled on how I once cared about this person so much, respected them and had so much love for them. Only to find that the person deep within them was full of disrespect, hate, rage, bitterness and insecurities. Its almost like some people have split personalities, there is a good side and then there is a BAD side. Once the bad side appears it over powers the good side and almost seems that the good side was never real. This whole month it has made me wonder who really are our friends? and how well do we actually know them? and what is the real meaning of a friend?

Why is it that people say friends come and go? surely friendships should last forever, shouldnt it? who really wants someone that will only be in their life for a year or 2?. Within friendships there should be love, trust, happiness, respect, kindness; how can you have this with someone that is only in your life for a year or 2? and why do these type of friendships start like this and end up the opposite? could it be that this person was never really a friend and was more of an aquaintance?

How and why do friendships end? could our own personal issues be the root of these fallouts?. This month I have had a chance to look at my failed relationships and friendships and have come to realise that my own personal insecurities did affect some of my relationships and my own stubourness did affect some of my friendships. This is something I am learning from and working on so I do not affect future friendships and relationships. I can accept my faults within these situations but I will not take the full blame as all these failed relationships were 50/50 or 60/40 from the other side. My recent broken friendship I would say is 80/20 coming from their side. Although this person has gone to extreme lengths to hurt me I still care about them and have love for them but that does not mean I would ever want a friendship again. Too much damage has already been done and the friendship has hit rock bottom and died. Nobody should let someone hurt them so much to the point they are breaking you down! If you know you do not deserve this why are you accepting and taking it?, this does not mean that you have to do the same back to this person. It clearly means you have to stand strong, express your thoughts and feelings firmly and close that door!

I have learnt and experienced that when the hurt gets too much speak to someone close to you, nobody should have to suffer alone. The support I have had from my family and very close friends has really been amazing and it is because of this love and support that I am feeling stronger within myself. I am no longer going to let this person treat me the way I have been treated and so I have forgiven my ex friend, said a little prayer for them that God will protect them, forgive them and guide them on their journey as I am ready to say goodbye and continue on my own journey. I now feel like I am continuing on the right path and feel happier within myself and my situation. I believe my true friends will reveal themselves, and to the ones that have hurt me, your behavior will not break me and will never stop me from loving others. In fact it has made me love more.

My new years resolution: Learn to speak up for myself, believe in myself and to stop self doubting

My new year goal: To be the best that I can be!

Lessons learnt this year: *within every negative situation there is a positive, look closely and you will find it. Once you do find it carry it with you as this will make you see more positive in everything you do and go through.
*Do not let the loss of others love affect the love you hold, continue to love yourself, radiate love and you will attract love.
*The man that does not love is the man that hurts inside & the man that does not recieve love
*When in doubt quote to yourself: I radiate and attract love, happiness and success

x

Who am I?

"I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing" Mae West

There was a time I would work extremely hard building a portfolio of pictures pursuing to be a model. At a young age I looked at women like Iman, Cindy Crawford and Grace Jones, I was amazed at their beauty, their physiques and how every outfit they wore looked amazing. I would pay close attention to their poses and try to imitate them. Its so funny how the media really penetrates the mind with an image that is so false, you cant help but look at these women and feel you need to look like them to be beautiful or to be successful. They tell us how we should do our hair, what beauty proucts we should use, what diets we should go on, clothes we shoud be wearing. Its all madness!

I had grown a passion to become a succesful model as I loved the fact that I would have the same face that people would recognise but my character would change in every picture, I would do this through poses, facial expressions. My work would show how diverse and versatile I can be, now I look at it and ask myself what was I working so hard for? who really paid attention to my work? how far did my work actually get me?

I was not signed to an agency, In fact I got rejected a few times, some never replied back and the ones that wanted to sign me wanted me to be more SEXY and go down the glamour/lingerie route. I always got the same answers " your not tall enough", "your not dark enough", " your not light enough", "your a bit bottom heavy" " your not showing enough of your body, you need to learn to be sexy" now looking back at these comments I have to laugh to myself. I was not aware that you had to have a certain colour of skin to be a model, I was not aware that you had to be 6 feet tall and that a size 8 was considered over weight in the fashion world.

Strangely enough I did work on a few amazing projects through the last 2 years where I was classed as a model and even got paid a decent amount for the job. But can I really call myself a model? no, I was actually an aspiring model. Did I achieve my goal of becoming a succesful model? no, modelling didnt seem to be a strong factor for me. Do I feel I failed because of this? no, simply because I do not feel I should have to punish myself to look a certain way or stress myself to be something I am truly not. Although I did get paid work and the work was enjoyable, I never was a model and I can accept that now. It was fun while it lasted but it was also more of a hassle and stress, my life is not based on competition, competing with other young women just to be a model.

"Truth is I was never a model, I was a young woman who had their picture taken and got paid for it"

Do I feel bad about this?! no! Im actually glad I realised this now, now I can really look for what it is that I am truly destined to do and be. I can finally take time to enjoy my journey and the opportunities that will arise for me. I like the size I am, I like the way I look I am not stunning with perfect skin but I know for a fact I am a beautiful woman on the inside and out. I enjoy my food and refuse to starve myself or go on diets to be slim. Will I get upset If I gain weight? errrr no! I would love to have curves and more meat on my body thats the great thing about being a woman. What you see in the magazines and on tv is not real, its a false image of what these people actually want to be! take of all the make up, strip of their clothes, sack their teams that help them with their jobs and looks and you will find they are like the average person, they are just like you and me. So in my eyes I am a real woman a woman they are pretending to be

x

Out of the red and in to the Green

Money money money, money can either make you happy or it can make you highly depressed. Money happens to be one of those things that can make you or break you, lets face it everybody needs money. As much as I hate to say this we do it need it to survive and with the major cut backs the government are bringing in money will now be a lot of peoples best friend and provider. Some people will be working extreme over time, some retiring at very old age, some taking up 2 or 3 jobs. What is our world coming to? can you imagine the amout of stress levels people will have very soon? but lets try and be positive about our own situations and focus on our own situations. How can we make our money situations better.......

I have a goal which is to be debt free by the end of the year! so that I can start the new year feeling relieved. I want to feel ready for the new year, firstly by feeling free, relaxed and able to scream out "I GOT THE GREEN LIGHT!".Im sure some people will be confused by this phrase, what I mean by this phrase is I want to be out of the red and in to the green. The red zone means stop, its a stop in your journey path, something is holding you back from moving forward. It could be debt, relationship issues, housing issues etc so in other words a negative block. The green zone is when you continue walking freely on your journey path about to embrace new opportunities and adventures.

My aim is to pay of my debts by the end of this year so all my money problems are erased! I want to start the new year with a new savers plan that I know I can stick to. A plan where I can save money towards future plans, a set amount that is used to pay bills, a nice budget in which I can treat myself. These things may sound easy but not so when your working hours are very limited and are recieving low income. I am really working hard on changing that all around. I have even been looking at courses and branching out in to different job fields, who knows I may find something that I am really great at that I never thought I would ever be good at, and who knows I may really progress in this job field.

To start all of this I have written 5 courses that I am really interested and feel I can learn something valuable from. I intend to do a course next year and create a portfolio related to this course, hopefully with the qualification and portfolio I can get some work experience and progress.I have also registered with a few recruitment agencies, it is likely I will get temporary work instead of permanent but it is better than nothing. With the temporary jobs my aim is to pay off my debts when I do get paid and do a small christmas shop. No big fancy presents this year, a small gift and lots of love is what I will be giving friends and family this year.

So its time to get out of the red and in to the green!!!!

x

rich vs poor, poor and rich vs us

I have been gone from my blog for almost a month now which is terrible! The past few weeks I have been in hibernation, I have gone through what I call the world analysis phase.

The weather has been horrible the past few weeks, it is freezing outside. Winter is practically here and I really believe we are going to have an ice cold winter! It is time to bring out the thermal gloves, sheep skin boots, long oversized winter coat and the hat which is 2 sizes bigger than my head. I have not worked much through the past few weeks with my agency and to be honest although financially Im struggling its actually been a good thing staying at home. The thought of going outside in the cold sends chills up and down my spine and being at home has given me time to catch up on things I have avoided.

My time at home I have read through magazines, watched a few tv programmes (mostly reality shows), read a few fashion/beauty/lifestyle and celebrity blogs. I have also spent time releasing, I shall explain what I mean by that somewhere within this blog.

Is it me or has the world gone crazy????, When did people become so vain? so fashion crazed? so greedy for money? so dedicated to their appearance alone? so career obssesed that they have no time for love, their families or friends?....... what has become of our world?

In every magazine I read all I saw was who has broken up with who, who is making a lot of money, who has the best dress sense, who has the best bodies in the world, advice on how to look like a certain celeb, diet tips to get a great figure, how to attract any man you want, sex positions advice and so on. Then reality shows all I could see was females who wake up and go to bed perfected with makeup and great hair, the lavish life styles they live, the foul language they use towards their families, the competitiveness between families, the money they spend. And as for the blogs its all about what great jobs their doing, promotions, expensive nice things they have just purchased, events they go to, luxury holidays, their celeb friends etc etc.

Now how is the average person supposed to feel when reading in to all of this? It now makes sense to me why we have a young generation of walking barbie dolls and wanna be p diddys. So many young people want to be famous and they want to be famous for all the wrong reasons. They just want to be seen and known by the world but what they really need to think about is what do they want to be known as and how do they want to be remembered? to be a legend is not about how much you spend, and how great your life is and how stunning you are 24/7. The greatest legends in this world had a talent and they worked extremely hard on their talent to create something that would leave a mark in this world. These legends are known and will be remembered for their talents not for the luxurious life they lived. For example Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson, Gandhi, Albert Einstein, Hugh Hefner, Audrey Hepburn, Bob Marley, Bruce Lee, Marilyn Monroe, Michael Jordan and Oprah.

Some celebs love the fact that people admire them so much that they spend so much trying to look like them. It gives celebs more of a reason to use that to their advantage and create fashion lines, make up, perfumes etc that relate to themselves. It tells a person buy my products so that you can look or smell or feel like me. When in truth the real statement is "keep putting your money in my pocket, its what helps me continue to be a millionaire".I personally find it disturbing, I believe every person should have their own identity and should feel free to be who they truly are. If people could do this there would be a lot less people with insecurities and people would be more appreciative of their lives. And who knows you might actually have some money saved in your pockets as you would have no reason to go crazy with your spendings!

The amount of money the average person spends on trying to live the luxury life that these big time celebrities live is ridiculous, it is the reason why so many of us find it so hard to buy a house, buy a car, travel reguarly and have enough money saved in our bank accounts. As suddenly as people get paid they head straight to the shops to buy clothes, shoes, make up, get their hair and nails done, go out partying until their pockets run dry. Then the next week you wake up miserable as your low in funds!. It disgusts me how people can buy an expensive bottle on champagne and for a laugh pour it on each other, are they aware that this is a very disrespectful and selfish act! There are poor people dying from lack of drinking water and you throw money like its nothing.

I think people should stop and look at some of these celebrities their aspiring to be like and ask themselves how much do these people really give back to suffering communities? Because we see them performing for an aids show, or promoting on a red nose day advert or because they said theyve donated some money to a charity does that mean they are really giving back???.

Some of these celebs are big time millionaires! Wouldnt it be great if we saw a lot of them going to 3rd world countries and doing voluntary work there? and how about giving a school in a 3rd world country a big donation, or giving some of their unwated clothing to the poor. Why does it always have to be done through a charity organisation when we know fully well that charity organisations have thousands of staff that need to get paid, their campaigns cost money, marketing cost money etc etc so could all the money being donated really be going to the poor? in fact how much does really go to the poor???.

It is very sad to see as there are very poor people in the world who have nothing to eat, are unaware of peoples excessive spending and yet still remain smiling and holding on to faith. The thought of it has really made me appreciate my life and what I have, the times I thought I did not have much, I realise now to some I look like a millionaire when in reality I am far from it.

It gave me motivation to have a major clearout in my room, this is what I call the releasing stage. I used to have 2 wardrobes full of clothes and 3 huge cases of shoes, I now have 1 wardrobe of clothes and 1.5 cases of shoes. Yes ladies and gentlemen I have let go of some more of my beloved clothing and shoes which will be going either straight to charity or shipped to Ghana to some of the young people who deserve to have something very fancy in their wardrobe. Letting go of the clothing put the biggest smile on my face as I know I am doing something very good that can make a positive change in someones life. I never really knew how good I have had it, but now I see clearly and I am so grateful for what I have and my life! Now it is time for me to appreciate those who really deserve to have some of what we have and to do that I shall do my best every 6 months collecting clothes from friends and family and donating it to people directly in Ghana

x

Crappy days

The past week has been what I call a crappy week, I felt like crap and looked like crap! Every morning when I woke up I refused to look in the mirror because I knew how I would look, I have been feeling very run down, dehydrated and have had a lot on my mind. I had never felt this way before, I had the feeling that I was not attractive, I didnt feel pretty or feminine. No matter what I wore I just didnt feel beautiful. So I went through a small phase of wearing baggy tshirts and tracksuits. For me this is very out of character but I had to accept that from going through a recent situation I was beginning to punish myself.

I was punishing myself for things not going well, punishing myself for losing a friend, punishing myself for doing the right thing. Punishing myself for not getting the job of my dreams and punishing myself for not being where I thought I would career wise and financially. This had become a problem as I begn to get the anxiety attacks again, which I had got rid of in the beginning of the year. Some people may not know that fear and self doubt tends to do this to some people.

This was beginning to cause a few problems in my life, which is hard for some to believe. Some people do not think that in the space of a week your life can turn upside down!, mine did and I am trying to bring it back up again. From punishing myself I had no motivation what so ever to talk to friends or family on the phone when they called me, I wanted to be alone. The simplest thing like replying to messages and emails also became a daunting chore. Looking in the mirror I did not see a beautiful woman. How could 1 situation make my life change in a drastic unpleasant way???

I didnt get the dream job that I wanted which really did crush me!, I was so happy when I had the interview and the manager gave me a lot of praise, I really believed that I was getting this job. When I found out I didnt get it I was so frustrated and angry, I had put my all in to that interview as this job is what I really wanted career wise. It would be so hard finding a job opportunity like this again. Not getting the job really dampened my mood.

When I finally realised what I had been doing to myself I had to tell myself to stop! this is not who I am as a person. I sat up for a few hours creating a new vision board and was really true to myself, I put on my vision board what I really want right now in my life, what I desire, what I dream about, what I want to achieve. I also put some affirmations on the vision board. I placed my vision board on my wall so that every morning and evening I can look at it, say my affirmations and keep a positive frame of mind.

I pray every morning and meditate every morning so that I can clear my mind from all thoughts especially negative thoughts! my next step is to beat my anxiety, fear and self doubt. I have learnt that my issue is I think too much, I worry about everything and always want things to turn out perfect. I aim to make everyone else happy and forget about what I want and what will make me happy.

I am really trying to work on my fears and feel beautiful again, I know I am a beautiful person on the inside but I dont know why I feel like I am not beautiful on the outside. I guess I have to take baby steps and the 1st step would be self love and accepting that there are some things in life we can not control. The best thing to do would be to let that go and look forward to whats next to come. What comes next could be much better than what you did not get the first time round.

Growing Up

The last few days has been very emotional for me, Ive always been told within a negative you can find a positive, and to my suprise I have found the positive so I strongly believe in this statement, but I have recently learnt within a positive there is likely to be a negative. Sometimes that negative can make your whole world fall apart. I am currently holding on to my world and trying to remain very strong and positive in mind. I feel like I have just been in a storm, my house is falling apart and I am trying to rebuild my home.

The past few weeks I have been re-evaluating my life and realised I need to make some changes in my life. Im getting older and there is so much I want to achieve like marriage, my own family, buying my first home, buying a car, travelling as a family etc. But how can I achieve this when I avoid it so much and stay in my comfort zone?!

I have made a few changes that I am proud of and happy about, I have been attending church every sunday, I pray and do my affirmations every day. It feels so good to be with people who share the same beliefs and support one another in their belief.

I have started to avoid getting on public transport all the time and do a bit more walking, that way I get fresh air, exercise and can meditate at the same time, it has been refreshing. My mind seems to be very clear when I walk as I concentrate on my breathing and my surrounding. I love nature so walking by trees and beautiful plants always puts a smile on my face and really puts my mind at ease.

I have also started to make more of an effort with my younger cousins, interacting with them and helping them within their teenage years. Being a teenager can be very tough as you go through so much pressure so knowing my cousins feel they can come to me for help is wonderful. Im here to help them make the right choices and support them within their lives.

I am learning to be more of an adult and make the right choices in life, I feel it is time for me to grow up and stop living like a teenager. Ive out grown that stage.To achieve my desires I really need to work on it. I believe in life we should be able to balance work and play. There is time to play and there is time to work. I recetly made a choice that I believe in my heart is right! nothing can change my mind and make me believe it is wrong. Never in my life did I think making the right choice could cause an explosion in my life.

The explosion has resulted in me losing someone I care about with all my heart, when I say Ive lost them, I mean this person hates me! which is so hurtful and heartbreaking. Its caused my loved ones to hold tight on to me so I feel no more pain. Yes as comforting as it sounds its also sad as I dont want people to feel pity for me or feel they need to watch over me all the time. The whole week I have kept to myself and let my emotions out and now Im at the point where I cant cry anymore. Im over the crying and the pain, Ive had enough of it.

Through my life I have done my best to be a good person but sometimes I guess thats just not good enough for some people or they are too blind to see goodness. When I make decisions I have always thought about what would make others happy never about what will make me happy or what I know deep down in my heart is right. I havre always been trying to protect others and keep them happy. Now that I am older I can see where my faults were and why I never achieved in certain things.So for once in my life I am proud to say I have made a right decision! I am growing up and making grown up decisions, if I am going to be hated for doing the right thing what can I do?. No I do not want to be hated but if a person feels this way about me there is nothing I can do about it. No matter how much this person hates me I am not going to hate them, I will always have love for them. I know I am doing the right thing and so what I need to do is continue in my journey with a positive frame of mind and let the magic/greatness unfold.

Looks like Im finally growing up :)

When illness tries to take over

Ive been in my own world the past few days as I have a lot on my mind. Recently I have been very ill, The pain has been horrible and I have been feeling very weak. Ive had a bit of bed rest but I have to admit it gets very boring lying in bed watching movies or reading a book. This illness has given me time to think about which direction I am going in life, what I want in life and how to live a more happier life. Sitting down and looking at my life helped me see Im really not where I want to be in life, a lot is missing. Ive worked so hard for many years in every job that I have done but what I failed to realise at the time is that It has nothing to do with what I want to do in the future, this has been a major block in my life as now that I am trying to find a job in the field I have interest in and it is not easy at all due to the lack of work experience in this field. This began to add to my illness and really frustrate me.

It has taken for my cousins visit from France to help relax me more and escape from these negative feelings and thoughts. Since my cousin has been here we have been apart of the notting hill carnival, tried new restaraunts, natural history museum, V&A and we still have a lot of places to visit and tour. It has been so much fun and a breath of fresh air! although I must say entertaining guests can be very hard work. My little sister has been here to help out and we have really enjoyed being silly, watching movies together and chit chatting. sadly there have been times where my pains have really kicked in and made me unable to enjoy a few things like notting hill carnival!, It started out with me really enjoying myself and then all of a sudden the pain rushed in and wouldnt go away, it was horrible!, I couldnt wait to get in to bed and rest. I ended up resting in the van until It ended.

Being ill can be depressing, There have been times I am in tears from the pain or where I feel so weak I can not walk for too long but through this I am very grateful to have my cousin, mom, dad and sisters with me at this time supporting me and showing me amazing love. Sometimes they see how weak I am, hug me and give me a kiss on the cheek, to some this may be a small gesture but how it makes you feel inside is the opposite. I feel loved and it is amazing knowing that I have people who really love me and are there for me when Im at a very bad point in life. My family are my rock and are helping me get better day by day and they are doing this with their love. Some of my friends and relatives know I am ill, I can honestly say only 3 or 4 have showed concern and support, the rest dont care. I know they shouldnt have to run to help me, but saying "get well soon" doesnt do any harm. Maybe Im different to other people, Ive always been the one people talk to when their down, Im the one when their ill is there to support them, Im the one to put a smile on their face or make them laugh, Im the one that gives them positive words. But when it comes to me, their nowhere to be found......it says a lot about my so called friends and relatives. But that wont stop me from being the person I am, it teaches me that in my times of need I do not need to go out of my home to look for love, care and support as it is right next to me, around me :)

I am very determined to beat this illness and am fighting to enjoy the rest of the time my cousin is here. I also have a major project that I am working on and I have set myself a goal to have it running by the end of september. I am going to achieve this goal, my illness will not stop me!!!! not this time. This project is something I am very passionate about, Im so excited and am going to work so hard to make it a success.

I have been sitting at home on my laptop researching and learning new things to put in to my project, I have a vision of what I want and I have to make this vision a reality. It as been headache! as I am not a computer geek at all so some of the packages I have to use make no sense to me, Ive asked people for help and its either they dont understand my vision or they cant help me or they use computer terms that I dont know! or they want a lot of money to do it for me. I would prefer to learn it for myself so that I know and understand what I am doing fully. Let me tell you this has been stress as I have no idea where to start! sometimes I wish I had magical powers so I can make whatever I want happen within seconds.

Since being ill my phone has been on silent, Im at the point where I want to avoid being peoples shoulder to cry on, I just want some time to laugh, smile, dance, sing, play and ERASE THIS ILLNESS FROM MY LIFE! I want to live life, I want to smile so much that my cheeks hurt and laugh so much that tears roll down and I have a wonderful nights sleep. I deserve this and so thats what I am going to do.

x

Good deeds

So the past few days have been very eventful, its been up and down. Ive created myself a budget plan which means for the next few months I have to be very tight with the money I have. I will put a little aside for treats and going out but a majority of it has to go to paying the bills on time, and going in to my savers account.

I remember when my mom would give me pocket money and used to tell me to SAVE SAVE SAVE, I used to think she was crazy and would run to the shops and buy junk food, clothes etc etc. But now that I am older and have struggled through the recession I understand why she said SAVE!

So I am listening to her exact words and I am going to save! but I have set myself a target to pay my mom back for my netbook, my carnival costume (yes I will be on a float for carnival! eek excitement. MANGROVE to be exact) and finally paying off the 1 bill that has been giving me headache! I beieve I am going to achieve this target and I shall.

To start off my week I have been going through my wardrobe and sorting out clothes, all the clothes I do not want I washed and have put in a big bag to give to charity. I am still deciding If I should give it to charity or a hostel for people that have not many clothes etc. All the clothes I am giving away are in very good condition and there are a few designers. It has been so hard parting with some of the clothes as they were either expensive or clothes that I love! but the truth is they do not fit anymore and someone that really needs them deserves to have them.

My second good deed of the week is yesterday a mouse ran in to our front room and something fell on it which killed it :(
My family are not too keen on mice, cats and dogs so to see a mouse in in the front room caused a lot of screams. It was actually quite funny! My mother called me downstairs to get rid of it, as Im the animal lover in the house of course I would do that but at the same time, the fact that it is an animal I felt a bit queazy. Seeing a dead animal or an animal that is hurt always makes me feel uneasy but I had to be brave. So I picked it up slowly with a shovel and placed it on tissue in an old shoe box and took it out to bury it.

Some people may think thats stupid or disgusting but what they need to remember is that, that animal is a life too! If you were dead lying on the ground would you want people to just leave you there? or kick you to a corner? no! you would want to be buried nicely also so that is what I done for that mouse.

And to be honest from these 2 good deeds I feel a bit happier within myself, I have helped an animal one of Gods creatures and I am helping people who need love and support. So go me!

x

Natural beauty

Yesterday morning I was in lazy mode, just woken up and was lying in bed when the doorbell kept ringing. I was cursing non stop as it was 8am and I was extremely tired. I raced down the stairs remembering I was told an important delivery was coming, I opened the door recieved the heavy box and the courier said to me "oh my gosh you are so beautiful, you should be in britains next top model", now I had to be polite smile and say thank you but really in my head I was thinking is he high?! I have just woken up and I feel like crap. At first I just let what he said go and went straight to the bathroom to sort myself out, usually when I wake up I do not look in the mirror I do that after I shower, brush my teeth, moisturise and am fully dressed. Out of curiosity I decided to look in the mirror and try and see what he was talking about. Personally I think I looked how I look every day of my life natural. The odd notorious spot or 2, dark circled eyes, pale face that is in need of sun, he calls this britains next top model quality? I wouldnt say britains next top model quality, I say its natural beauty. I have become more confident with my natural look and am not ashamed to show what I look like naturally. I love my natural look.

I love make up but only when I go out to parties which is very irregular. On a daily basis I like to be natural, vaseline is the only thing I use and that is so my lips do not dry out. I have always been comfortable being natural but I cant help but notice how many women look at it as ugly and embarrassing!

Speaking to some of my friends I find it quite strange that none of them will step out of their house without make up, not even to the corner shop!, I find applying make up takes a bit of time and is not worth it just to go and get milk from the corner shop. I have eczema and so If I wear make up for a long time my skin gets very irritable so I just leave the make up alone.

On the other side I find many women wanting to look as stunning as celebs which has driven them to invest a lot of money in to hair, clothes and make up, once again that is something I shant be doing. I like the simple elegant look and plus I do not have the money that some of these celebs have. If I did I'd be spending it on holidays with my family and friends. I look at some of my cousins and friends and think their crazy when I see them wearing high heels on a daily basis, flawless make up, hair freshly styled, best clothing on. They must be suffering with a few bunions, corns, sore feet, breakout of spots and so on. Theres nothing wrong with making an effort but I cant help but wonder how many hours a day does it take for them to have the perfect look. Does your body and skin not get tired of it? Is having the perfect look really worth it?

People forget that celebrities have a lot of help to gain the perfect look, they have hair stylists, make up artists, wardrobe stylists, nutrionist, surgeons, personal trainer and the list goes on. The amount of money they spend just on their appearance must be a huge sum! the perfect look never lasts long, strip all the make up off, the clothes, the hair and their normal girls like you and me.

I find it so strange when a celeb is spotted without make up that they get a hard time for it, do people think they look like barbie dolls everyday?, I look at these celebs with their flaws and still see beauty. Looking at them naturally is like looking at myself naturally. I find walking outside without make up I feel free, its a great feeling.

I love the way I look naturally and I wish all women felt the same about themselves, If you wear make up just to impress a man, you need to remember when you do get him he is going to eventually see you without all the glitz and glamour so you might aswell show him from the beginning what you really look like. Some women need to understand not every man is attracted to the fake look they are aware that it is all a mask and not real. And to be honest I believe you should look and feel beautiful for yourself not for anyone else

x