Who am I?

"I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing" Mae West

There was a time I would work extremely hard building a portfolio of pictures pursuing to be a model. At a young age I looked at women like Iman, Cindy Crawford and Grace Jones, I was amazed at their beauty, their physiques and how every outfit they wore looked amazing. I would pay close attention to their poses and try to imitate them. Its so funny how the media really penetrates the mind with an image that is so false, you cant help but look at these women and feel you need to look like them to be beautiful or to be successful. They tell us how we should do our hair, what beauty proucts we should use, what diets we should go on, clothes we shoud be wearing. Its all madness!

I had grown a passion to become a succesful model as I loved the fact that I would have the same face that people would recognise but my character would change in every picture, I would do this through poses, facial expressions. My work would show how diverse and versatile I can be, now I look at it and ask myself what was I working so hard for? who really paid attention to my work? how far did my work actually get me?

I was not signed to an agency, In fact I got rejected a few times, some never replied back and the ones that wanted to sign me wanted me to be more SEXY and go down the glamour/lingerie route. I always got the same answers " your not tall enough", "your not dark enough", " your not light enough", "your a bit bottom heavy" " your not showing enough of your body, you need to learn to be sexy" now looking back at these comments I have to laugh to myself. I was not aware that you had to have a certain colour of skin to be a model, I was not aware that you had to be 6 feet tall and that a size 8 was considered over weight in the fashion world.

Strangely enough I did work on a few amazing projects through the last 2 years where I was classed as a model and even got paid a decent amount for the job. But can I really call myself a model? no, I was actually an aspiring model. Did I achieve my goal of becoming a succesful model? no, modelling didnt seem to be a strong factor for me. Do I feel I failed because of this? no, simply because I do not feel I should have to punish myself to look a certain way or stress myself to be something I am truly not. Although I did get paid work and the work was enjoyable, I never was a model and I can accept that now. It was fun while it lasted but it was also more of a hassle and stress, my life is not based on competition, competing with other young women just to be a model.

"Truth is I was never a model, I was a young woman who had their picture taken and got paid for it"

Do I feel bad about this?! no! Im actually glad I realised this now, now I can really look for what it is that I am truly destined to do and be. I can finally take time to enjoy my journey and the opportunities that will arise for me. I like the size I am, I like the way I look I am not stunning with perfect skin but I know for a fact I am a beautiful woman on the inside and out. I enjoy my food and refuse to starve myself or go on diets to be slim. Will I get upset If I gain weight? errrr no! I would love to have curves and more meat on my body thats the great thing about being a woman. What you see in the magazines and on tv is not real, its a false image of what these people actually want to be! take of all the make up, strip of their clothes, sack their teams that help them with their jobs and looks and you will find they are like the average person, they are just like you and me. So in my eyes I am a real woman a woman they are pretending to be

x

Out of the red and in to the Green

Money money money, money can either make you happy or it can make you highly depressed. Money happens to be one of those things that can make you or break you, lets face it everybody needs money. As much as I hate to say this we do it need it to survive and with the major cut backs the government are bringing in money will now be a lot of peoples best friend and provider. Some people will be working extreme over time, some retiring at very old age, some taking up 2 or 3 jobs. What is our world coming to? can you imagine the amout of stress levels people will have very soon? but lets try and be positive about our own situations and focus on our own situations. How can we make our money situations better.......

I have a goal which is to be debt free by the end of the year! so that I can start the new year feeling relieved. I want to feel ready for the new year, firstly by feeling free, relaxed and able to scream out "I GOT THE GREEN LIGHT!".Im sure some people will be confused by this phrase, what I mean by this phrase is I want to be out of the red and in to the green. The red zone means stop, its a stop in your journey path, something is holding you back from moving forward. It could be debt, relationship issues, housing issues etc so in other words a negative block. The green zone is when you continue walking freely on your journey path about to embrace new opportunities and adventures.

My aim is to pay of my debts by the end of this year so all my money problems are erased! I want to start the new year with a new savers plan that I know I can stick to. A plan where I can save money towards future plans, a set amount that is used to pay bills, a nice budget in which I can treat myself. These things may sound easy but not so when your working hours are very limited and are recieving low income. I am really working hard on changing that all around. I have even been looking at courses and branching out in to different job fields, who knows I may find something that I am really great at that I never thought I would ever be good at, and who knows I may really progress in this job field.

To start all of this I have written 5 courses that I am really interested and feel I can learn something valuable from. I intend to do a course next year and create a portfolio related to this course, hopefully with the qualification and portfolio I can get some work experience and progress.I have also registered with a few recruitment agencies, it is likely I will get temporary work instead of permanent but it is better than nothing. With the temporary jobs my aim is to pay off my debts when I do get paid and do a small christmas shop. No big fancy presents this year, a small gift and lots of love is what I will be giving friends and family this year.

So its time to get out of the red and in to the green!!!!

x

rich vs poor, poor and rich vs us

I have been gone from my blog for almost a month now which is terrible! The past few weeks I have been in hibernation, I have gone through what I call the world analysis phase.

The weather has been horrible the past few weeks, it is freezing outside. Winter is practically here and I really believe we are going to have an ice cold winter! It is time to bring out the thermal gloves, sheep skin boots, long oversized winter coat and the hat which is 2 sizes bigger than my head. I have not worked much through the past few weeks with my agency and to be honest although financially Im struggling its actually been a good thing staying at home. The thought of going outside in the cold sends chills up and down my spine and being at home has given me time to catch up on things I have avoided.

My time at home I have read through magazines, watched a few tv programmes (mostly reality shows), read a few fashion/beauty/lifestyle and celebrity blogs. I have also spent time releasing, I shall explain what I mean by that somewhere within this blog.

Is it me or has the world gone crazy????, When did people become so vain? so fashion crazed? so greedy for money? so dedicated to their appearance alone? so career obssesed that they have no time for love, their families or friends?....... what has become of our world?

In every magazine I read all I saw was who has broken up with who, who is making a lot of money, who has the best dress sense, who has the best bodies in the world, advice on how to look like a certain celeb, diet tips to get a great figure, how to attract any man you want, sex positions advice and so on. Then reality shows all I could see was females who wake up and go to bed perfected with makeup and great hair, the lavish life styles they live, the foul language they use towards their families, the competitiveness between families, the money they spend. And as for the blogs its all about what great jobs their doing, promotions, expensive nice things they have just purchased, events they go to, luxury holidays, their celeb friends etc etc.

Now how is the average person supposed to feel when reading in to all of this? It now makes sense to me why we have a young generation of walking barbie dolls and wanna be p diddys. So many young people want to be famous and they want to be famous for all the wrong reasons. They just want to be seen and known by the world but what they really need to think about is what do they want to be known as and how do they want to be remembered? to be a legend is not about how much you spend, and how great your life is and how stunning you are 24/7. The greatest legends in this world had a talent and they worked extremely hard on their talent to create something that would leave a mark in this world. These legends are known and will be remembered for their talents not for the luxurious life they lived. For example Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson, Gandhi, Albert Einstein, Hugh Hefner, Audrey Hepburn, Bob Marley, Bruce Lee, Marilyn Monroe, Michael Jordan and Oprah.

Some celebs love the fact that people admire them so much that they spend so much trying to look like them. It gives celebs more of a reason to use that to their advantage and create fashion lines, make up, perfumes etc that relate to themselves. It tells a person buy my products so that you can look or smell or feel like me. When in truth the real statement is "keep putting your money in my pocket, its what helps me continue to be a millionaire".I personally find it disturbing, I believe every person should have their own identity and should feel free to be who they truly are. If people could do this there would be a lot less people with insecurities and people would be more appreciative of their lives. And who knows you might actually have some money saved in your pockets as you would have no reason to go crazy with your spendings!

The amount of money the average person spends on trying to live the luxury life that these big time celebrities live is ridiculous, it is the reason why so many of us find it so hard to buy a house, buy a car, travel reguarly and have enough money saved in our bank accounts. As suddenly as people get paid they head straight to the shops to buy clothes, shoes, make up, get their hair and nails done, go out partying until their pockets run dry. Then the next week you wake up miserable as your low in funds!. It disgusts me how people can buy an expensive bottle on champagne and for a laugh pour it on each other, are they aware that this is a very disrespectful and selfish act! There are poor people dying from lack of drinking water and you throw money like its nothing.

I think people should stop and look at some of these celebrities their aspiring to be like and ask themselves how much do these people really give back to suffering communities? Because we see them performing for an aids show, or promoting on a red nose day advert or because they said theyve donated some money to a charity does that mean they are really giving back???.

Some of these celebs are big time millionaires! Wouldnt it be great if we saw a lot of them going to 3rd world countries and doing voluntary work there? and how about giving a school in a 3rd world country a big donation, or giving some of their unwated clothing to the poor. Why does it always have to be done through a charity organisation when we know fully well that charity organisations have thousands of staff that need to get paid, their campaigns cost money, marketing cost money etc etc so could all the money being donated really be going to the poor? in fact how much does really go to the poor???.

It is very sad to see as there are very poor people in the world who have nothing to eat, are unaware of peoples excessive spending and yet still remain smiling and holding on to faith. The thought of it has really made me appreciate my life and what I have, the times I thought I did not have much, I realise now to some I look like a millionaire when in reality I am far from it.

It gave me motivation to have a major clearout in my room, this is what I call the releasing stage. I used to have 2 wardrobes full of clothes and 3 huge cases of shoes, I now have 1 wardrobe of clothes and 1.5 cases of shoes. Yes ladies and gentlemen I have let go of some more of my beloved clothing and shoes which will be going either straight to charity or shipped to Ghana to some of the young people who deserve to have something very fancy in their wardrobe. Letting go of the clothing put the biggest smile on my face as I know I am doing something very good that can make a positive change in someones life. I never really knew how good I have had it, but now I see clearly and I am so grateful for what I have and my life! Now it is time for me to appreciate those who really deserve to have some of what we have and to do that I shall do my best every 6 months collecting clothes from friends and family and donating it to people directly in Ghana

x

Crappy days

The past week has been what I call a crappy week, I felt like crap and looked like crap! Every morning when I woke up I refused to look in the mirror because I knew how I would look, I have been feeling very run down, dehydrated and have had a lot on my mind. I had never felt this way before, I had the feeling that I was not attractive, I didnt feel pretty or feminine. No matter what I wore I just didnt feel beautiful. So I went through a small phase of wearing baggy tshirts and tracksuits. For me this is very out of character but I had to accept that from going through a recent situation I was beginning to punish myself.

I was punishing myself for things not going well, punishing myself for losing a friend, punishing myself for doing the right thing. Punishing myself for not getting the job of my dreams and punishing myself for not being where I thought I would career wise and financially. This had become a problem as I begn to get the anxiety attacks again, which I had got rid of in the beginning of the year. Some people may not know that fear and self doubt tends to do this to some people.

This was beginning to cause a few problems in my life, which is hard for some to believe. Some people do not think that in the space of a week your life can turn upside down!, mine did and I am trying to bring it back up again. From punishing myself I had no motivation what so ever to talk to friends or family on the phone when they called me, I wanted to be alone. The simplest thing like replying to messages and emails also became a daunting chore. Looking in the mirror I did not see a beautiful woman. How could 1 situation make my life change in a drastic unpleasant way???

I didnt get the dream job that I wanted which really did crush me!, I was so happy when I had the interview and the manager gave me a lot of praise, I really believed that I was getting this job. When I found out I didnt get it I was so frustrated and angry, I had put my all in to that interview as this job is what I really wanted career wise. It would be so hard finding a job opportunity like this again. Not getting the job really dampened my mood.

When I finally realised what I had been doing to myself I had to tell myself to stop! this is not who I am as a person. I sat up for a few hours creating a new vision board and was really true to myself, I put on my vision board what I really want right now in my life, what I desire, what I dream about, what I want to achieve. I also put some affirmations on the vision board. I placed my vision board on my wall so that every morning and evening I can look at it, say my affirmations and keep a positive frame of mind.

I pray every morning and meditate every morning so that I can clear my mind from all thoughts especially negative thoughts! my next step is to beat my anxiety, fear and self doubt. I have learnt that my issue is I think too much, I worry about everything and always want things to turn out perfect. I aim to make everyone else happy and forget about what I want and what will make me happy.

I am really trying to work on my fears and feel beautiful again, I know I am a beautiful person on the inside but I dont know why I feel like I am not beautiful on the outside. I guess I have to take baby steps and the 1st step would be self love and accepting that there are some things in life we can not control. The best thing to do would be to let that go and look forward to whats next to come. What comes next could be much better than what you did not get the first time round.

Growing Up

The last few days has been very emotional for me, Ive always been told within a negative you can find a positive, and to my suprise I have found the positive so I strongly believe in this statement, but I have recently learnt within a positive there is likely to be a negative. Sometimes that negative can make your whole world fall apart. I am currently holding on to my world and trying to remain very strong and positive in mind. I feel like I have just been in a storm, my house is falling apart and I am trying to rebuild my home.

The past few weeks I have been re-evaluating my life and realised I need to make some changes in my life. Im getting older and there is so much I want to achieve like marriage, my own family, buying my first home, buying a car, travelling as a family etc. But how can I achieve this when I avoid it so much and stay in my comfort zone?!

I have made a few changes that I am proud of and happy about, I have been attending church every sunday, I pray and do my affirmations every day. It feels so good to be with people who share the same beliefs and support one another in their belief.

I have started to avoid getting on public transport all the time and do a bit more walking, that way I get fresh air, exercise and can meditate at the same time, it has been refreshing. My mind seems to be very clear when I walk as I concentrate on my breathing and my surrounding. I love nature so walking by trees and beautiful plants always puts a smile on my face and really puts my mind at ease.

I have also started to make more of an effort with my younger cousins, interacting with them and helping them within their teenage years. Being a teenager can be very tough as you go through so much pressure so knowing my cousins feel they can come to me for help is wonderful. Im here to help them make the right choices and support them within their lives.

I am learning to be more of an adult and make the right choices in life, I feel it is time for me to grow up and stop living like a teenager. Ive out grown that stage.To achieve my desires I really need to work on it. I believe in life we should be able to balance work and play. There is time to play and there is time to work. I recetly made a choice that I believe in my heart is right! nothing can change my mind and make me believe it is wrong. Never in my life did I think making the right choice could cause an explosion in my life.

The explosion has resulted in me losing someone I care about with all my heart, when I say Ive lost them, I mean this person hates me! which is so hurtful and heartbreaking. Its caused my loved ones to hold tight on to me so I feel no more pain. Yes as comforting as it sounds its also sad as I dont want people to feel pity for me or feel they need to watch over me all the time. The whole week I have kept to myself and let my emotions out and now Im at the point where I cant cry anymore. Im over the crying and the pain, Ive had enough of it.

Through my life I have done my best to be a good person but sometimes I guess thats just not good enough for some people or they are too blind to see goodness. When I make decisions I have always thought about what would make others happy never about what will make me happy or what I know deep down in my heart is right. I havre always been trying to protect others and keep them happy. Now that I am older I can see where my faults were and why I never achieved in certain things.So for once in my life I am proud to say I have made a right decision! I am growing up and making grown up decisions, if I am going to be hated for doing the right thing what can I do?. No I do not want to be hated but if a person feels this way about me there is nothing I can do about it. No matter how much this person hates me I am not going to hate them, I will always have love for them. I know I am doing the right thing and so what I need to do is continue in my journey with a positive frame of mind and let the magic/greatness unfold.

Looks like Im finally growing up :)

When illness tries to take over

Ive been in my own world the past few days as I have a lot on my mind. Recently I have been very ill, The pain has been horrible and I have been feeling very weak. Ive had a bit of bed rest but I have to admit it gets very boring lying in bed watching movies or reading a book. This illness has given me time to think about which direction I am going in life, what I want in life and how to live a more happier life. Sitting down and looking at my life helped me see Im really not where I want to be in life, a lot is missing. Ive worked so hard for many years in every job that I have done but what I failed to realise at the time is that It has nothing to do with what I want to do in the future, this has been a major block in my life as now that I am trying to find a job in the field I have interest in and it is not easy at all due to the lack of work experience in this field. This began to add to my illness and really frustrate me.

It has taken for my cousins visit from France to help relax me more and escape from these negative feelings and thoughts. Since my cousin has been here we have been apart of the notting hill carnival, tried new restaraunts, natural history museum, V&A and we still have a lot of places to visit and tour. It has been so much fun and a breath of fresh air! although I must say entertaining guests can be very hard work. My little sister has been here to help out and we have really enjoyed being silly, watching movies together and chit chatting. sadly there have been times where my pains have really kicked in and made me unable to enjoy a few things like notting hill carnival!, It started out with me really enjoying myself and then all of a sudden the pain rushed in and wouldnt go away, it was horrible!, I couldnt wait to get in to bed and rest. I ended up resting in the van until It ended.

Being ill can be depressing, There have been times I am in tears from the pain or where I feel so weak I can not walk for too long but through this I am very grateful to have my cousin, mom, dad and sisters with me at this time supporting me and showing me amazing love. Sometimes they see how weak I am, hug me and give me a kiss on the cheek, to some this may be a small gesture but how it makes you feel inside is the opposite. I feel loved and it is amazing knowing that I have people who really love me and are there for me when Im at a very bad point in life. My family are my rock and are helping me get better day by day and they are doing this with their love. Some of my friends and relatives know I am ill, I can honestly say only 3 or 4 have showed concern and support, the rest dont care. I know they shouldnt have to run to help me, but saying "get well soon" doesnt do any harm. Maybe Im different to other people, Ive always been the one people talk to when their down, Im the one when their ill is there to support them, Im the one to put a smile on their face or make them laugh, Im the one that gives them positive words. But when it comes to me, their nowhere to be found......it says a lot about my so called friends and relatives. But that wont stop me from being the person I am, it teaches me that in my times of need I do not need to go out of my home to look for love, care and support as it is right next to me, around me :)

I am very determined to beat this illness and am fighting to enjoy the rest of the time my cousin is here. I also have a major project that I am working on and I have set myself a goal to have it running by the end of september. I am going to achieve this goal, my illness will not stop me!!!! not this time. This project is something I am very passionate about, Im so excited and am going to work so hard to make it a success.

I have been sitting at home on my laptop researching and learning new things to put in to my project, I have a vision of what I want and I have to make this vision a reality. It as been headache! as I am not a computer geek at all so some of the packages I have to use make no sense to me, Ive asked people for help and its either they dont understand my vision or they cant help me or they use computer terms that I dont know! or they want a lot of money to do it for me. I would prefer to learn it for myself so that I know and understand what I am doing fully. Let me tell you this has been stress as I have no idea where to start! sometimes I wish I had magical powers so I can make whatever I want happen within seconds.

Since being ill my phone has been on silent, Im at the point where I want to avoid being peoples shoulder to cry on, I just want some time to laugh, smile, dance, sing, play and ERASE THIS ILLNESS FROM MY LIFE! I want to live life, I want to smile so much that my cheeks hurt and laugh so much that tears roll down and I have a wonderful nights sleep. I deserve this and so thats what I am going to do.

x

Good deeds

So the past few days have been very eventful, its been up and down. Ive created myself a budget plan which means for the next few months I have to be very tight with the money I have. I will put a little aside for treats and going out but a majority of it has to go to paying the bills on time, and going in to my savers account.

I remember when my mom would give me pocket money and used to tell me to SAVE SAVE SAVE, I used to think she was crazy and would run to the shops and buy junk food, clothes etc etc. But now that I am older and have struggled through the recession I understand why she said SAVE!

So I am listening to her exact words and I am going to save! but I have set myself a target to pay my mom back for my netbook, my carnival costume (yes I will be on a float for carnival! eek excitement. MANGROVE to be exact) and finally paying off the 1 bill that has been giving me headache! I beieve I am going to achieve this target and I shall.

To start off my week I have been going through my wardrobe and sorting out clothes, all the clothes I do not want I washed and have put in a big bag to give to charity. I am still deciding If I should give it to charity or a hostel for people that have not many clothes etc. All the clothes I am giving away are in very good condition and there are a few designers. It has been so hard parting with some of the clothes as they were either expensive or clothes that I love! but the truth is they do not fit anymore and someone that really needs them deserves to have them.

My second good deed of the week is yesterday a mouse ran in to our front room and something fell on it which killed it :(
My family are not too keen on mice, cats and dogs so to see a mouse in in the front room caused a lot of screams. It was actually quite funny! My mother called me downstairs to get rid of it, as Im the animal lover in the house of course I would do that but at the same time, the fact that it is an animal I felt a bit queazy. Seeing a dead animal or an animal that is hurt always makes me feel uneasy but I had to be brave. So I picked it up slowly with a shovel and placed it on tissue in an old shoe box and took it out to bury it.

Some people may think thats stupid or disgusting but what they need to remember is that, that animal is a life too! If you were dead lying on the ground would you want people to just leave you there? or kick you to a corner? no! you would want to be buried nicely also so that is what I done for that mouse.

And to be honest from these 2 good deeds I feel a bit happier within myself, I have helped an animal one of Gods creatures and I am helping people who need love and support. So go me!

x