Crappy days

The past week has been what I call a crappy week, I felt like crap and looked like crap! Every morning when I woke up I refused to look in the mirror because I knew how I would look, I have been feeling very run down, dehydrated and have had a lot on my mind. I had never felt this way before, I had the feeling that I was not attractive, I didnt feel pretty or feminine. No matter what I wore I just didnt feel beautiful. So I went through a small phase of wearing baggy tshirts and tracksuits. For me this is very out of character but I had to accept that from going through a recent situation I was beginning to punish myself.

I was punishing myself for things not going well, punishing myself for losing a friend, punishing myself for doing the right thing. Punishing myself for not getting the job of my dreams and punishing myself for not being where I thought I would career wise and financially. This had become a problem as I begn to get the anxiety attacks again, which I had got rid of in the beginning of the year. Some people may not know that fear and self doubt tends to do this to some people.

This was beginning to cause a few problems in my life, which is hard for some to believe. Some people do not think that in the space of a week your life can turn upside down!, mine did and I am trying to bring it back up again. From punishing myself I had no motivation what so ever to talk to friends or family on the phone when they called me, I wanted to be alone. The simplest thing like replying to messages and emails also became a daunting chore. Looking in the mirror I did not see a beautiful woman. How could 1 situation make my life change in a drastic unpleasant way???

I didnt get the dream job that I wanted which really did crush me!, I was so happy when I had the interview and the manager gave me a lot of praise, I really believed that I was getting this job. When I found out I didnt get it I was so frustrated and angry, I had put my all in to that interview as this job is what I really wanted career wise. It would be so hard finding a job opportunity like this again. Not getting the job really dampened my mood.

When I finally realised what I had been doing to myself I had to tell myself to stop! this is not who I am as a person. I sat up for a few hours creating a new vision board and was really true to myself, I put on my vision board what I really want right now in my life, what I desire, what I dream about, what I want to achieve. I also put some affirmations on the vision board. I placed my vision board on my wall so that every morning and evening I can look at it, say my affirmations and keep a positive frame of mind.

I pray every morning and meditate every morning so that I can clear my mind from all thoughts especially negative thoughts! my next step is to beat my anxiety, fear and self doubt. I have learnt that my issue is I think too much, I worry about everything and always want things to turn out perfect. I aim to make everyone else happy and forget about what I want and what will make me happy.

I am really trying to work on my fears and feel beautiful again, I know I am a beautiful person on the inside but I dont know why I feel like I am not beautiful on the outside. I guess I have to take baby steps and the 1st step would be self love and accepting that there are some things in life we can not control. The best thing to do would be to let that go and look forward to whats next to come. What comes next could be much better than what you did not get the first time round.

Growing Up

The last few days has been very emotional for me, Ive always been told within a negative you can find a positive, and to my suprise I have found the positive so I strongly believe in this statement, but I have recently learnt within a positive there is likely to be a negative. Sometimes that negative can make your whole world fall apart. I am currently holding on to my world and trying to remain very strong and positive in mind. I feel like I have just been in a storm, my house is falling apart and I am trying to rebuild my home.

The past few weeks I have been re-evaluating my life and realised I need to make some changes in my life. Im getting older and there is so much I want to achieve like marriage, my own family, buying my first home, buying a car, travelling as a family etc. But how can I achieve this when I avoid it so much and stay in my comfort zone?!

I have made a few changes that I am proud of and happy about, I have been attending church every sunday, I pray and do my affirmations every day. It feels so good to be with people who share the same beliefs and support one another in their belief.

I have started to avoid getting on public transport all the time and do a bit more walking, that way I get fresh air, exercise and can meditate at the same time, it has been refreshing. My mind seems to be very clear when I walk as I concentrate on my breathing and my surrounding. I love nature so walking by trees and beautiful plants always puts a smile on my face and really puts my mind at ease.

I have also started to make more of an effort with my younger cousins, interacting with them and helping them within their teenage years. Being a teenager can be very tough as you go through so much pressure so knowing my cousins feel they can come to me for help is wonderful. Im here to help them make the right choices and support them within their lives.

I am learning to be more of an adult and make the right choices in life, I feel it is time for me to grow up and stop living like a teenager. Ive out grown that stage.To achieve my desires I really need to work on it. I believe in life we should be able to balance work and play. There is time to play and there is time to work. I recetly made a choice that I believe in my heart is right! nothing can change my mind and make me believe it is wrong. Never in my life did I think making the right choice could cause an explosion in my life.

The explosion has resulted in me losing someone I care about with all my heart, when I say Ive lost them, I mean this person hates me! which is so hurtful and heartbreaking. Its caused my loved ones to hold tight on to me so I feel no more pain. Yes as comforting as it sounds its also sad as I dont want people to feel pity for me or feel they need to watch over me all the time. The whole week I have kept to myself and let my emotions out and now Im at the point where I cant cry anymore. Im over the crying and the pain, Ive had enough of it.

Through my life I have done my best to be a good person but sometimes I guess thats just not good enough for some people or they are too blind to see goodness. When I make decisions I have always thought about what would make others happy never about what will make me happy or what I know deep down in my heart is right. I havre always been trying to protect others and keep them happy. Now that I am older I can see where my faults were and why I never achieved in certain things.So for once in my life I am proud to say I have made a right decision! I am growing up and making grown up decisions, if I am going to be hated for doing the right thing what can I do?. No I do not want to be hated but if a person feels this way about me there is nothing I can do about it. No matter how much this person hates me I am not going to hate them, I will always have love for them. I know I am doing the right thing and so what I need to do is continue in my journey with a positive frame of mind and let the magic/greatness unfold.

Looks like Im finally growing up :)

When illness tries to take over

Ive been in my own world the past few days as I have a lot on my mind. Recently I have been very ill, The pain has been horrible and I have been feeling very weak. Ive had a bit of bed rest but I have to admit it gets very boring lying in bed watching movies or reading a book. This illness has given me time to think about which direction I am going in life, what I want in life and how to live a more happier life. Sitting down and looking at my life helped me see Im really not where I want to be in life, a lot is missing. Ive worked so hard for many years in every job that I have done but what I failed to realise at the time is that It has nothing to do with what I want to do in the future, this has been a major block in my life as now that I am trying to find a job in the field I have interest in and it is not easy at all due to the lack of work experience in this field. This began to add to my illness and really frustrate me.

It has taken for my cousins visit from France to help relax me more and escape from these negative feelings and thoughts. Since my cousin has been here we have been apart of the notting hill carnival, tried new restaraunts, natural history museum, V&A and we still have a lot of places to visit and tour. It has been so much fun and a breath of fresh air! although I must say entertaining guests can be very hard work. My little sister has been here to help out and we have really enjoyed being silly, watching movies together and chit chatting. sadly there have been times where my pains have really kicked in and made me unable to enjoy a few things like notting hill carnival!, It started out with me really enjoying myself and then all of a sudden the pain rushed in and wouldnt go away, it was horrible!, I couldnt wait to get in to bed and rest. I ended up resting in the van until It ended.

Being ill can be depressing, There have been times I am in tears from the pain or where I feel so weak I can not walk for too long but through this I am very grateful to have my cousin, mom, dad and sisters with me at this time supporting me and showing me amazing love. Sometimes they see how weak I am, hug me and give me a kiss on the cheek, to some this may be a small gesture but how it makes you feel inside is the opposite. I feel loved and it is amazing knowing that I have people who really love me and are there for me when Im at a very bad point in life. My family are my rock and are helping me get better day by day and they are doing this with their love. Some of my friends and relatives know I am ill, I can honestly say only 3 or 4 have showed concern and support, the rest dont care. I know they shouldnt have to run to help me, but saying "get well soon" doesnt do any harm. Maybe Im different to other people, Ive always been the one people talk to when their down, Im the one when their ill is there to support them, Im the one to put a smile on their face or make them laugh, Im the one that gives them positive words. But when it comes to me, their nowhere to be found......it says a lot about my so called friends and relatives. But that wont stop me from being the person I am, it teaches me that in my times of need I do not need to go out of my home to look for love, care and support as it is right next to me, around me :)

I am very determined to beat this illness and am fighting to enjoy the rest of the time my cousin is here. I also have a major project that I am working on and I have set myself a goal to have it running by the end of september. I am going to achieve this goal, my illness will not stop me!!!! not this time. This project is something I am very passionate about, Im so excited and am going to work so hard to make it a success.

I have been sitting at home on my laptop researching and learning new things to put in to my project, I have a vision of what I want and I have to make this vision a reality. It as been headache! as I am not a computer geek at all so some of the packages I have to use make no sense to me, Ive asked people for help and its either they dont understand my vision or they cant help me or they use computer terms that I dont know! or they want a lot of money to do it for me. I would prefer to learn it for myself so that I know and understand what I am doing fully. Let me tell you this has been stress as I have no idea where to start! sometimes I wish I had magical powers so I can make whatever I want happen within seconds.

Since being ill my phone has been on silent, Im at the point where I want to avoid being peoples shoulder to cry on, I just want some time to laugh, smile, dance, sing, play and ERASE THIS ILLNESS FROM MY LIFE! I want to live life, I want to smile so much that my cheeks hurt and laugh so much that tears roll down and I have a wonderful nights sleep. I deserve this and so thats what I am going to do.

x

Good deeds

So the past few days have been very eventful, its been up and down. Ive created myself a budget plan which means for the next few months I have to be very tight with the money I have. I will put a little aside for treats and going out but a majority of it has to go to paying the bills on time, and going in to my savers account.

I remember when my mom would give me pocket money and used to tell me to SAVE SAVE SAVE, I used to think she was crazy and would run to the shops and buy junk food, clothes etc etc. But now that I am older and have struggled through the recession I understand why she said SAVE!

So I am listening to her exact words and I am going to save! but I have set myself a target to pay my mom back for my netbook, my carnival costume (yes I will be on a float for carnival! eek excitement. MANGROVE to be exact) and finally paying off the 1 bill that has been giving me headache! I beieve I am going to achieve this target and I shall.

To start off my week I have been going through my wardrobe and sorting out clothes, all the clothes I do not want I washed and have put in a big bag to give to charity. I am still deciding If I should give it to charity or a hostel for people that have not many clothes etc. All the clothes I am giving away are in very good condition and there are a few designers. It has been so hard parting with some of the clothes as they were either expensive or clothes that I love! but the truth is they do not fit anymore and someone that really needs them deserves to have them.

My second good deed of the week is yesterday a mouse ran in to our front room and something fell on it which killed it :(
My family are not too keen on mice, cats and dogs so to see a mouse in in the front room caused a lot of screams. It was actually quite funny! My mother called me downstairs to get rid of it, as Im the animal lover in the house of course I would do that but at the same time, the fact that it is an animal I felt a bit queazy. Seeing a dead animal or an animal that is hurt always makes me feel uneasy but I had to be brave. So I picked it up slowly with a shovel and placed it on tissue in an old shoe box and took it out to bury it.

Some people may think thats stupid or disgusting but what they need to remember is that, that animal is a life too! If you were dead lying on the ground would you want people to just leave you there? or kick you to a corner? no! you would want to be buried nicely also so that is what I done for that mouse.

And to be honest from these 2 good deeds I feel a bit happier within myself, I have helped an animal one of Gods creatures and I am helping people who need love and support. So go me!

x

Natural beauty

Yesterday morning I was in lazy mode, just woken up and was lying in bed when the doorbell kept ringing. I was cursing non stop as it was 8am and I was extremely tired. I raced down the stairs remembering I was told an important delivery was coming, I opened the door recieved the heavy box and the courier said to me "oh my gosh you are so beautiful, you should be in britains next top model", now I had to be polite smile and say thank you but really in my head I was thinking is he high?! I have just woken up and I feel like crap. At first I just let what he said go and went straight to the bathroom to sort myself out, usually when I wake up I do not look in the mirror I do that after I shower, brush my teeth, moisturise and am fully dressed. Out of curiosity I decided to look in the mirror and try and see what he was talking about. Personally I think I looked how I look every day of my life natural. The odd notorious spot or 2, dark circled eyes, pale face that is in need of sun, he calls this britains next top model quality? I wouldnt say britains next top model quality, I say its natural beauty. I have become more confident with my natural look and am not ashamed to show what I look like naturally. I love my natural look.

I love make up but only when I go out to parties which is very irregular. On a daily basis I like to be natural, vaseline is the only thing I use and that is so my lips do not dry out. I have always been comfortable being natural but I cant help but notice how many women look at it as ugly and embarrassing!

Speaking to some of my friends I find it quite strange that none of them will step out of their house without make up, not even to the corner shop!, I find applying make up takes a bit of time and is not worth it just to go and get milk from the corner shop. I have eczema and so If I wear make up for a long time my skin gets very irritable so I just leave the make up alone.

On the other side I find many women wanting to look as stunning as celebs which has driven them to invest a lot of money in to hair, clothes and make up, once again that is something I shant be doing. I like the simple elegant look and plus I do not have the money that some of these celebs have. If I did I'd be spending it on holidays with my family and friends. I look at some of my cousins and friends and think their crazy when I see them wearing high heels on a daily basis, flawless make up, hair freshly styled, best clothing on. They must be suffering with a few bunions, corns, sore feet, breakout of spots and so on. Theres nothing wrong with making an effort but I cant help but wonder how many hours a day does it take for them to have the perfect look. Does your body and skin not get tired of it? Is having the perfect look really worth it?

People forget that celebrities have a lot of help to gain the perfect look, they have hair stylists, make up artists, wardrobe stylists, nutrionist, surgeons, personal trainer and the list goes on. The amount of money they spend just on their appearance must be a huge sum! the perfect look never lasts long, strip all the make up off, the clothes, the hair and their normal girls like you and me.

I find it so strange when a celeb is spotted without make up that they get a hard time for it, do people think they look like barbie dolls everyday?, I look at these celebs with their flaws and still see beauty. Looking at them naturally is like looking at myself naturally. I find walking outside without make up I feel free, its a great feeling.

I love the way I look naturally and I wish all women felt the same about themselves, If you wear make up just to impress a man, you need to remember when you do get him he is going to eventually see you without all the glitz and glamour so you might aswell show him from the beginning what you really look like. Some women need to understand not every man is attracted to the fake look they are aware that it is all a mask and not real. And to be honest I believe you should look and feel beautiful for yourself not for anyone else

x

"NEW"

I am really excited this week and I am hoping and praying the excitement remains till the end of the year!

When the new moon was approaching I decided to pick out an angel card for the next 6 months which I call my new moon card. My card was "New love", I was very happy when I got this card as I am searching for my soulmate. I am ready to settle down and have a family of my own. All my loved ones seem to be getting married, having babies or moving in with their partners which has really inspired me and made me want these things in my life even more. With my new moon card I set myself new goals which is part of my new beginning. So far I have achieved some of the goals and I am so happy about this!

Firstly last year I was telling my sisters how much I wanted to change my fashion style. I wanted to have a bit of a mature look yet something stylish and sexy. So with the little temp jobs I have been doing this year when I got paid I would head out to the shops and markets like portabello and purchase some bargains. I also keep a lot of my old clothes that still fit as fashion always repeats itself! Now when I look in my wardrobe I am loving what I see! the bags, shoes, accessories, dresses, jackets. I feel like I have accomplished my new fashion style. There is only 1 thing missing from that but Im working on it.

Although I have been financially struggling miracles really have been happening in my life. Strangely I have only been able to see them clearly this year, could it because I am more spiritually enlightened now than I have ever been?
My laptop, my dear old friend was battered, bruised and dying! It was an old packard bell and I did not want to let go of it as it has so many pictures, videos, work files of mine on there. It holds great memories for me and so letting it go was a no no! I even used celotape to hold the screen together. Yes I know some of you are laughing and I am too the shame haha. It is not until my battery would only last 7 minutes without the charger and kept freezing I accepted and decided it needs to be put to rest. So sadly on 06/08/2010 my dear old friend was boxed up and put away. I knew it was time to get a new laptop but with what funds???, I had been looking for a mini laptop that I can carry around with me so I can do work on the go but also had some little fun things to it like skype, msn, games, pictures and music. I am a SATC fan and in SATC2 I couldnt help but notice the vivienne tam hp mini netbook and I am telling you my heart stopped, I wanted it! it was soooo cute. I got on the internet and done a bit of research on it and I decided I wanted it but problem is I had no money to buy it!. I was on the phone communicating with 2 of my good friends and 1 of them had purchased the netbook, that was my sign that I had to get it.
Funny enough my mom approached me the day after and said I would need a laptop to do some work and apply for jobs and so she is going to get me a laptop of my choice, once I get a job I will have to pay her back. I almost cried! my mother knows how hard I have been working towards getting a great job and would often tell me to take breaks before I end up having a breakdown. I know that she really wants me to get a great job and to offer to buy me the laptop I was so thankeful and I still am. Sooooo I currently have the butterfly vivienne tam netbook and I am loving it! my mother got the pink chinese one and together were working it all out, its been so much fun. Just through these netbooks me and my mom are really bonding.

My next new thing is the HTC desire! my current phone has been headache and I have wanted to get rid of it for months! but due to the contract that was not possible so I have waited and waited for my upgrade and it has finally happened. I have had my eyes set on the HTC for a very long time and so now that I am getting it I am more than happy.

My new start is really happening with a bang! and I am for once in my life really really happy. I believe when I really want something and I focus on it, God sends a miracle. I feel very blessed and Grateful to have God in my life. New moon, new beginning, new laptop, new phone and now Im praying for new job, new career and finally NEW LOVE
x

what to do? what to do?

So its just the 1st week in to this month and I am beginning to panic and worry as my finances are really decreasing! It really sucks being unemployed. The recruitment agencies I have joined have not yet contacted me with any work and when I did call them to check if any work had come through I recieved the same response they were unaware that I was not working, is that a joke?????!!!!, I call them every week with the same question "is there any work available", sometimes the answer is yes and sometimes no. My words of advice never rely on recruitment aencies, get out there and find a permanent job at least you know it will be more stable.I have also been handing out my cv to a few places and to top it off sitting in front of my computer for hours filling out LONG application forms. I know I should not complain as I have been able to do a bit of work this year and there are people still struggling to get a days work. I am hoping things turn around for me and I do find something that I will enjoy. I have been quite lucky and just had 2 interviews! Some people may think only 2 interviews???!!! but what they need to understand is so many people are losing their jobs and to get the 1 interview is a miracle now adays!

Im hoping from these interviews I get a positive result! so that I can scream out "I am finally employed again!!!! woohoo!" haha.

It is stressful having little money and having to drastically budget your money as bills come along, paying for transport, food etc etc. You end up cuting out your social life, your unable to treat yourself or buy some of the things you actually need. I have set myself financial targets this year and due to not having a stable job I have not yet achieved them which is a big dissapointment for me. I keep saying to myself I should not be so hard on myself, I did not plan any of this, I was not aware that I would be made redundant. All I can do for now is keep job hunting.

I will admit the job hunt has been harder for me as I have decided to change my career and get in to something I really enjoy, something that I am passionate about and want to progress in. Within this field I have applied to so many places and it really does annoy me when you get no response. Now adays employers arent so professional or shall I say respectful to job seekers, you can apply for a job and never hear from them. It would be nice if you got a message saying you have been successful or unsuccessful, I personally would appreciate that more than being ignored. Sometimes you do not know if they have recieved you cv, sometimes you call and you are told you will get a call back and gues what???? you never get that call back.

I feel like I am walking on pebbles at the moment and would like to be walking on a smooth road, but the only way to do this is to make drastic changes, and that could mean letting go of one of my passions, something I believed I would do careerwise. This may be the wrong or right choice I do not know, but I know for now the only way for my financial status to improve is to work long hours or more days. Im still thinking about this.........Its times like this that I need a sign, a miracle or someone/something to appear in my life and guide me in the right direction. It is time to re-evaluate this year so far, what I have achieved, what I have not, what needs improvement and what needs to change.

What to do? what to do????