Body Fit

Today I have woken up to my arms and leg muscles acheing this is due to fitness activities I have taken up this year. As I have got older Ive noticed I am not as active as I used to be and my flexibility levels have really gone down. I remember when I was in high school I was able to do the splits, cart wheels, front flips you name it but now I cant do any of that without feeling pain. I felt weight gain in areas that I did not want and controlling the weight became difficult. I was not finding myself attractive with my body appearance and I did not feel fit at all. So I knew I had to make a change, I had to take on some fitness activities!

I have taken up 4 fitness activities that I love and really enjoy. I can definately feel an improvement in my body and my energy levels have jumped up which is great. I feel very sexy, body confident, fit and healthy. I have taken up 1 to 1 personal training sessions every saturday, burlesque and pole dance on tuesdays and belly dance on mondays.

Along with this I have started to eat healthy, I must admit healthy food tastes very bland but I know it is very good for the body so I shall not complain. I have been eating oats every morning salads in the afternoon and a warm cooked meal in the evenings. I am trying to take meat fully out of my diet and stick with chicken and fish. Water is a must for me as I tend to get dehydrated very quickly, the killer for me is green tea! but we all know toxins have to be removed from the body.

My 1 to 1 personal training sessions are very intense and my body feels pain for 3 to 4 days after which is a good sign, it means my body muscles have really worked hard. I work on my arms, legs, tums and bums an all over body workout. As the weeks go by I can feel my body getting stronger and I can take on heavier weights through this fitness regime. At first I used to hate exercise and refused to go to a gym, but luckily I do in house training with my personal trainer so I dot have all eyes on me. I also have a workout buddy my sister which helps as we motivate each other. After doing this workout my body feels alive and Im loving it!

I have always liked the look of pole dance and burlesque but I knew as easy as it looks it wouldnt be. I am currently doing pole dance classes which is so much fun, the ladies in the group are friendly and great to work with as we motivate and help one another. I always come out of the class smiling as It is so enjoyable, I am also learning some very seductive yet acrobatic moves that really work the arm and leg muscles. Pole dance classes is definately something I will continue and I am looking to invest in my own pole. I took some burlesque classes which brought out a whole side of me that I would tend to hide. Its like burlesque brings the she out of you, the confident, sexy and glamourous side of you. You learn the art of seduction, strip tease and more. To make sure I do not forget the moves I have a dvd and I practise the moves once a week in my room. Its brilliant for building up your confidence and loving your body type.

I have always loved belly dance and always knew how to do some of the moves but I wanted to learn more so I invested in a dvd which has taught me so much and I must say looking at myself in the mirror doing it has really helped build my confidence as I feel the sex appeal and the beauty of the body movements.

I feel like a new me!

x

Express yourself

This morning when I woke up I woke up with a smile and felt very proud of myself. I done something that I never have been able to do in the past because of fear. Do you ever go through stages in your life where you have a good friend who you feel is too negative and you dont want to tell them because you know the outcome will not be good? or you know someone who you care about so much but dont have the guts to let them know?

Yes this is all down to fear? I question myself on why I had this fear and I realised its because I always thought something negative would come from it due to my past. I was so used to getting negative responses that made me feel low and hurt. I didnt want to have this feeling again so I decided to keep my thoughts to myself but doing that It played on my mind a lot and I couldnt stop thinking about it. Its a very frustrating feeling and I would have a million questions going on in my head about that person.

I happened to be watching one of my favourite tv programmes The girls of the playboy mansion and one of the girls was attempting to do a stunt at a skiing resort, at first she didnt want to do it but decided to eventually. Her words really triggered something in my brain, her words were '**** fear, fear is what holds you back'. Those words really registered in my mind and that was it, the next thing I knew I had my phone in my hand and contacted my friend. I expressed to her how I felt about all the negativity and that its not something I like being around. Funny enough her response was that she had noticed that behaviour in herself and had lost many friends because of it, its something she wants to change about herself. We ended up having a very long good conversation and I had to applaud her for being honest and accepting the truth. Its also great that its something she wants to work on and improve. I support her fully and I know she will be able to gt through this. I feel it made are friendship a bit more stronger as I now know I can talk to my friends If I feel something is not right.

The next big step was very hard for me but I had to do it as It really played on my mind daily and I needed to let it go. I am so proud of myself because I picked up the courage to tell a guy that I have been friends with for some time now how I truly felt about him. I have liked him for quite some time now and I really care about him but Its not something I could tell him before, I kept it all to myself. Expressing my feelings has always been something I struggled to do as when I expressed myself in the past things didnt go so well, it always made me feel like I should keep my feelings to myself. From doing this I was miserable on the inside and probably lost out on good friendships and maybe relationships. But I managed to do it and let it all out and It felt so good. Its like my body and mind felt lighter. He may be in shock and the feelings may not be mutual but at least he knows, I am not going to lie It would be wonderful If the feelings were mutual. He did not respond in a negative way which helped ease my mind and we were able to make a little joke out of it. My feelings for him are out now and he is aware on how I feel. I dont need to think about it anymore as Ive said it and I am so happy that I said it. I now feel that I am able to express my feelings and I dont have to hold back or fear. It doesnt matter if the results are negative or positive, what matters is that I was able to say it and I said it to the right person.

The feeling is so great that I went out last night and was able to enjoy myself as I felt free. Nothing was running through my mind, I wasnt worrying or thinking about my friendships or something that was bothering me or something that was playing non stop on my mind, My mind was free. I danced the night away, enjoyed the company I was with and I have to say I had the best time ever.

x

My fruit of the loom

In December I had time to sit back and reflect on my life and past relationships and decided that starting january 2010 I will be part celibate and so hear I am still part celibate and loving it. When I tell people I am part celibate they all seem to have the same reactions 'its easy to give up sex anyone can do it' or 'celibacy is for idiots, it makes no sense', when I get these reactions I dont feel the need to explain my reasons or beliefs as I know It will turn in to a debate which will then lead to a heated argument. I feel if people do not believe in celibacy that is ok and that is up to them, I have my reasons for being part celibate.

People wonder why I say part celibate, celibacy means to not be married ever or/and to practice sexual abstinence. I strongly believe in marriage and will one day be married. I am removing intimacy with a man from my life at this moment, so no sex.

My belief in celibacy and why I decided to become celibate is I am respecting, loving and appreciating my body. My body deserves respect, love and appreciation, I am a creator and a nuturer. As a woman I have been given the gift to have babies which is the most beautiful creation to mankind and I personally do not want to produce babies for just any man or a man I have been dating for a while. We all know sometimes that can lead in to a very bad situation.

In the past I have made mistakes of being intimate with men I had long term dated and I would always end up feeling frustrated and annoyed, I felt this way as they were not my long term partners and they were not someone I saw myself marrying or having a family with, so something had to change and for the better. Thats when I made the decision that I am going to be part celibate, when I do meet my soulmate, the man I believe I will marry and have children with, then I will be intimate and I know I will enjoy it and it will be very special as it will be with the man I truly love.

I am not going to lie It has been a bumpy road, I like every other person have urges but I have managed to control myself and I am not afraid to say this I control myself the good old fashion way masturbation. I used to be so grossed out when older women told me they masturbated but as I got older I realised its normal. People can look at me or judge me the way they want! but I know with masturbation it is healthy and safe at the end of the day Its all about self love and satisfying myself. If I can satisfy myself then I will not feel the need for a man to do it for me. Its about being strong within yourself and not feeling the need for a man to make you feel good.

If I let every man in to my domain then what I give them would not be special and how my body would feel afterwards would certainly not feel special, I'd feel used and that is not going to happen in my life I am older and wiser now. I have even given my area the name 'fruit of the loom' as that is the best way to describe it.

I cherish and love my fruit of the loom and when Its time for intimacy with my life partner I am very sure he will too!, so no intimacy for me right now in my life is a great thing!

x

I am not my hair

Yesterday I realised something that put the biggest smile on my face!, For the first time I woke up early in the morning and listened to the sounds of the birds, usually I would close the window and tell them to shutup but for some reason their early chirps sounded beautiful it almost felt like they were singing for me.

I got out of bed and walked towards my drawer to get my toiletries ready for shower time and had to stop in my tracks, I ended up walking straight to my mirror and took a long hard look at myself. I analysed every part of my face and body and a rush of energy and love came through me which was an amazing feeling. For the 1st time in my whole life I realised and have accepted I am very beautiful naturally! I dont need make up, false lashes, false nails or a weave to look beautiful. All those things are nice and add character but the truth is I dont need to add more character to who I am, I am unique in my own way. From saying this does not mean I will stop wearing make up, If Im going out and I want to look glamourous or add a little colour then yes I will wear make up but on a daily basis I dont need it.

I have always had an insecurity within my image, when people would approach me and tell me Im pretty or beautiful I never ever believed it and I would become very paranoid and feel they were making fun out of me really. Or when people would say I have a figure of a dancer and that my body was amazing I really didnt understand as I always come across women with amazing figures who are stunning, I never felt I could compare to them as they looked much better than I did. I have a serial case of looking at women in magazines and saying oh shes stunning, shes beautiful or I would love to have her figure. Now I can actually be honest and say yes that woman is pretty and has great figure then take my mind from it and focus on me by thinking so do I and Im happy with my appearance, I love my body and I love myself.

Yes I have flaws and to think I used to fuss about them so much to the point I was telling myself I was unattractive and when some females would say I was ugly I really believed them. Everybody has a right to their own opinion so some people may find me attractive some wont but now I see myself as a beautiful young woman and Im not really concerned about others opinions on me. If you dont like what you see turn away dont look at it. I have freckles and small moles on my face which I used to hate but thats what makes me unique as I am a woman of colour with freckles and moles. I also suffer from 2 skin conditions eczema on my arms and psorasis of the scalp, my conditions seem to break out when I am really stressed but since I find myself more relaxed and happier I have noticed its disappearing which is great!

My body has a few lumps and bumps, I am petite but I do have a bit of a butt, thighs, growing love handles and I like many women have cellulite and stretch marks lol, I am no longer ashamed to say it and dont let any other person make you feel bad for it because many women have it and some men do also!
Its natural its part of growth. Some people will work out to gain muscle and look ripped but please believe when old age kicks in that muscle sags!
Yes I have started to work out to look and feel fit but its really to keep my energy levels up and to be active again.

1 thing I have to point out to many is that I have my hair low shaved and people automatically think its beacuse I wanted to look like amber rose NO!, I have always wanted to have my hair short and I was inspired by african women as back in africa women are not really allowed to have their hair long and so it is shaved. Many of these women are naturally beautiful and it made me realise sometimes minimal is better. I wanted to see what it felt like to be without every womans glory their hair! and it feels bloody wonderful, I can see all my features better and I dont have to worry about styling my hair all the time. I sometimes have patterns designed on 1 side If I want a diffrent look but other than that I feel I have embraced african beauty and I am apart of it. I have come to realise like India Arie said 'I am not my hair'

This morning when I woke up I played beyonce 'Flaws and all', the difference was Beyonce sings it to a partner I sang it to myself, I was singing to the woman within me, you have to try it, listen to the words and you will feel the Goddess within you getting stronger. And to make my day better yes I had to play 'I am not my hair'

x

My Vision

Do you ever wake up from an amazing dream that has you wondering and questioning your life. You find yourself out of focus through the whole day, when your at work you cant seem to concentrate as your mind is not there or when people talk to you, you dont really pay attention to what they are saying?
Its that feeling when you feel there should be more happening in your life and you dont understand why it is not happening, its like the world stops and your facing your reality. You see people living or doing what you want to do in life, people flying by you and your stuck.

For a while now I go to bed and have some wondeful dreams on how I want my life to be and how I want to feel. Some may think I want fame, lots of money a flash car but the truth is that is not how I see my life. Although my dreams are wonderful their also haunting as when I wake up I am not living how I want to and I dont have the same feeling that I had in my dream. I wake up to hear my neighbours making the most amount of noise, have to rush and get ready for work, get to work do my 9 hour job sometimes 12 hours and then return home. By the time I get home its like my whole day has gone and there was no excitement in it.

Yesterday It had me thinking in 10 years how do I really want to see myself and then I realised that in 10 years time I want to look back at all the fun I had, see my achievements and feel proud. I noticed how I began to change, Im not as active as I used to be, I dont go out much, work seems to be my main priority and theres a build up of so much stress. It hit me that I can not and will not live my life like this because the truth is in 10 years time I will look back and say 'I wasted my life!'. That feeling of saying something like that really got my mind thinking and anxiety started to build up to the point I was almost in tears but its like something really stopped me from tearing up inside.

Not too long ago I created 2 vision boards, 1 for my whole life and 1 for this year while my anxiety was building up I was actually facing my vision boards. Looking closely at the images and phrases gave me a strong feeling inside as what I never ever realised is that I had achieved some of my goals that I had put on my vision board, realising this helped me see I can achieve the other goals I have set myself for this year and If I can achieve these goals I am actually on my way to living how I live in my dreams.

I also have a few images that I have in my phone, Images that show what I really want in my life, Images that have so much meaning to me. These Images are images I see personally of myself andhow my life is in my dreams. I find when I feel I am having a hard day at work or Im down I tend to bring my phone out and focus on these images. It gets me everytime its like a message telling me your hard work goes towards your dreams everything will happen in time. Now I dont even have to look at the images in my phone as it is stuck in my mind, when I close my eyes I can see it, the vision is very strong. The more I see it the more I feel its getting closer to me.

The images I carry in my mind, on my vision board and in my phone:

Car: I have been very slack when It comes to driving and I am very ready to get on the road, mainly because I know driving comes in very handy.

House: when I found this image of this house I fell in love, I dream of living in a beautiful country like Cyprus. Close to the beach somewhere calm and relaxing, somewhere If my family and friends need a get away they have somewhere to come and stay.

Mary and Jesus: I believe in God and at this point in my life I am connecting with my spirituality. I am learning to have more faith and believe. The love between Mary and Jesus is the love I want with my own children.

Puppy: I love animals and I want a puppy lol, what can I say If I was rich I would have a zoo in my back garden.

Heidi Klum: Although I do not know her personally I have a lot of respect for her, she is a good role model an I love the fact that shes a hard working woman and is able to balance family and friends with work. She puts her family 1st and is always smiling. Shes in a loving relationship and comes across as a warm person. This is how I want to be as a woman. I do not want to look like her I want to have the same morals and outlook on life. Be loving, smiling, hardworking and mostly enjoying my life.

Marriage: I love the fact this picture shows th rings and hands connected, I strongly believe in marriage and 1 day I want to find my soulmate and get married. I want forever lasting love

Family: This picture is a picture I really love, it speaks so many words to me. I see the wedding ring on the womans finger, cute baby in the middle and both parents hands holding the baby. It symbolises family, love, commitment all the things I want in my life.

I sleep, eat and breath these images as I know deep down in my heart someday I will have these precious things in my life. So now when I wake up I wake up with a smile and ready to face my day. I get to work and Im still all smiles as I know when I get paid the money is going towards that house and that car! so its a win win situation. When I get home I relax, unwind and do something that makes me happy like talking to a friend on the phone or chatting with my sisters. It then feels like Ive actually had a good day as Ive had a good chat, had a productive day at work, had time to relax and time to spend with my family. I realise it is 1 more step up the ladder with a few more steps to go :)

Welcome :)

Let me start of by saying welcome to 'Finding The Inner Goddess'

Some people may be wondering why I decided to do a blog on this topic and so I shall explain, personally for me I love reading and writing and I feel there is so much I can express through written word. I currently have a journal which I write in every day expressing my daily feelings, adventures, inspirations etc. When I speak to friends and family about some of these things Im either full of so much excitement or deep in thought that I am not able to express things fully so why not do it through written word like I do in my journal?

As a woman we go through so many emotions and episodes in our life that not many men can understand, but saying that some men go through similar things to us women. I am a woman who has been bullied by so called friends, suffered racism at work, had my heart broken or played with by men, been through depression, been unsure about my career, loss of close family members and so I was very confused about my whole life.

It is not until recently I started attending 'The Pampering Club'. My life has gradually changed for the better and I am seeing my life in a whole knew light! I am very new to this journey but I am enjoying it so far and I know there is still a long road ahead but I believe it is going to be an amazing ride. I like every woman want to be treated like a Goddess and deserve to be treated this way and so I have learnt that to do this I need to see myself as a Godess but I can only see myself this way If I can find her deep within so that I can bring her out.

I am writing this for many women like me who are going through the similar or the same episodes in life, this is to let you all know you are not alone and that you can go on this journey too. Everything I write about is from the heart and what I am actually experiencing in my life.

Goddess "A female being of supernatural powers or attributes, believed in and worshiped by people, often Goddess A female being believed to be the source of life and worshiped as the principal deity in various religions. A woman of great beauty or grace"

*The Pampering Club is a Wellbeing Network that connects women to resources and products for their personal growth. We provide women with the opportunity to take time out of their busy schedules, relax, learn and have fun. Our vision is of women living, laughing and loving. we pride ourselves on providing events that inspire and encourage women to be all that they desire to be plus more.
For more info: gatherings@pamperingclub.co.uk