Music, the key to the soul

The last week for me has been a turn around, And a turn around for the better!
Every morning this week I have started my day playing old skool classics and every evening playing chillout soul music. Now I must tell you just through this week I feel my life had suddenly changed, I have been smiling non stop, humming and dancing through my daily activities and the best part is I feel full of life.

It is amazing how music can change your frame of mind and feelings, no matter what mood you are in good or bad music has a way of really lifting your spirits. Now my advice to people would be listen to music that you enjoy but music that has positive words in it! If you listen to music about heartbreak, anger and violence it puts you in this negative mood. Every morning listen to music that you really enjoy, music about love, happiness, it doesnt matter how cheesy the song as long as it gets you singing and dancing. When you do this every morning just analyse carefully how your mood changes and your day seems to go by fast with no problems through your day.

The positive words in the song made you feel good and shifted your frame of mind to happiness. Remember your feelings attract certain things in your life. If you feel happy you attract more happiness, if you feel angry you attract more anger etc etc. Now I suggest when you are home in the evening play music that relaxes you and will help you sleep peacefully. Good sleep means waking up feeling refreshed and happy, because your bady was relaxed, it helps you ease in to a good sleep.

Music helps you see yourself in a new light, the words in a song can make you feel beautiful, or bring up a happy memory, or help you visualize where you want to be or how you want to live. Music fills your heart with love and joy which radiates and attracts more love and joy.

I have decided to make this a daily routine for myself as I feel in just a space of a week my life has got so much better, I am no longer looking at my situation as an issue, I am no longer worried or fearful about what happens next. I am enjoying being in the now and I visualise what happens next to be great things, happiness, laughter, love, fun, adventure, travel, food & drink, my family and friendships expanding.

x

Who are our friends???

We are finally in december HOORAY! The new year will be here soon!

Have you started making plans for the new year?, thought about a new years resolution? Written out your 2011 goals? learnt anything from this year?
Well I certainly have! The last month has been a LONG, lonely and stressful month. I have been going through a lot of hurt and I am beginning to rise above it. I am currently in a situation which should be a joyous and happy situation but this has not been the case at all, instead it has been miserable and this is all down to 2 people. Myself and an ex friend.

I have added to this pain because I let this other person hurt me through their actions and verbal abuse instead of speaking up, walking away from it and blocking it out of my life. This person has hurt me to the point I have lost all respect for them, it is so strange how friends can change. Sometimes I am so puzzled on how I once cared about this person so much, respected them and had so much love for them. Only to find that the person deep within them was full of disrespect, hate, rage, bitterness and insecurities. Its almost like some people have split personalities, there is a good side and then there is a BAD side. Once the bad side appears it over powers the good side and almost seems that the good side was never real. This whole month it has made me wonder who really are our friends? and how well do we actually know them? and what is the real meaning of a friend?

Why is it that people say friends come and go? surely friendships should last forever, shouldnt it? who really wants someone that will only be in their life for a year or 2?. Within friendships there should be love, trust, happiness, respect, kindness; how can you have this with someone that is only in your life for a year or 2? and why do these type of friendships start like this and end up the opposite? could it be that this person was never really a friend and was more of an aquaintance?

How and why do friendships end? could our own personal issues be the root of these fallouts?. This month I have had a chance to look at my failed relationships and friendships and have come to realise that my own personal insecurities did affect some of my relationships and my own stubourness did affect some of my friendships. This is something I am learning from and working on so I do not affect future friendships and relationships. I can accept my faults within these situations but I will not take the full blame as all these failed relationships were 50/50 or 60/40 from the other side. My recent broken friendship I would say is 80/20 coming from their side. Although this person has gone to extreme lengths to hurt me I still care about them and have love for them but that does not mean I would ever want a friendship again. Too much damage has already been done and the friendship has hit rock bottom and died. Nobody should let someone hurt them so much to the point they are breaking you down! If you know you do not deserve this why are you accepting and taking it?, this does not mean that you have to do the same back to this person. It clearly means you have to stand strong, express your thoughts and feelings firmly and close that door!

I have learnt and experienced that when the hurt gets too much speak to someone close to you, nobody should have to suffer alone. The support I have had from my family and very close friends has really been amazing and it is because of this love and support that I am feeling stronger within myself. I am no longer going to let this person treat me the way I have been treated and so I have forgiven my ex friend, said a little prayer for them that God will protect them, forgive them and guide them on their journey as I am ready to say goodbye and continue on my own journey. I now feel like I am continuing on the right path and feel happier within myself and my situation. I believe my true friends will reveal themselves, and to the ones that have hurt me, your behavior will not break me and will never stop me from loving others. In fact it has made me love more.

My new years resolution: Learn to speak up for myself, believe in myself and to stop self doubting

My new year goal: To be the best that I can be!

Lessons learnt this year: *within every negative situation there is a positive, look closely and you will find it. Once you do find it carry it with you as this will make you see more positive in everything you do and go through.
*Do not let the loss of others love affect the love you hold, continue to love yourself, radiate love and you will attract love.
*The man that does not love is the man that hurts inside & the man that does not recieve love
*When in doubt quote to yourself: I radiate and attract love, happiness and success

x

Who am I?

"I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing" Mae West

There was a time I would work extremely hard building a portfolio of pictures pursuing to be a model. At a young age I looked at women like Iman, Cindy Crawford and Grace Jones, I was amazed at their beauty, their physiques and how every outfit they wore looked amazing. I would pay close attention to their poses and try to imitate them. Its so funny how the media really penetrates the mind with an image that is so false, you cant help but look at these women and feel you need to look like them to be beautiful or to be successful. They tell us how we should do our hair, what beauty proucts we should use, what diets we should go on, clothes we shoud be wearing. Its all madness!

I had grown a passion to become a succesful model as I loved the fact that I would have the same face that people would recognise but my character would change in every picture, I would do this through poses, facial expressions. My work would show how diverse and versatile I can be, now I look at it and ask myself what was I working so hard for? who really paid attention to my work? how far did my work actually get me?

I was not signed to an agency, In fact I got rejected a few times, some never replied back and the ones that wanted to sign me wanted me to be more SEXY and go down the glamour/lingerie route. I always got the same answers " your not tall enough", "your not dark enough", " your not light enough", "your a bit bottom heavy" " your not showing enough of your body, you need to learn to be sexy" now looking back at these comments I have to laugh to myself. I was not aware that you had to have a certain colour of skin to be a model, I was not aware that you had to be 6 feet tall and that a size 8 was considered over weight in the fashion world.

Strangely enough I did work on a few amazing projects through the last 2 years where I was classed as a model and even got paid a decent amount for the job. But can I really call myself a model? no, I was actually an aspiring model. Did I achieve my goal of becoming a succesful model? no, modelling didnt seem to be a strong factor for me. Do I feel I failed because of this? no, simply because I do not feel I should have to punish myself to look a certain way or stress myself to be something I am truly not. Although I did get paid work and the work was enjoyable, I never was a model and I can accept that now. It was fun while it lasted but it was also more of a hassle and stress, my life is not based on competition, competing with other young women just to be a model.

"Truth is I was never a model, I was a young woman who had their picture taken and got paid for it"

Do I feel bad about this?! no! Im actually glad I realised this now, now I can really look for what it is that I am truly destined to do and be. I can finally take time to enjoy my journey and the opportunities that will arise for me. I like the size I am, I like the way I look I am not stunning with perfect skin but I know for a fact I am a beautiful woman on the inside and out. I enjoy my food and refuse to starve myself or go on diets to be slim. Will I get upset If I gain weight? errrr no! I would love to have curves and more meat on my body thats the great thing about being a woman. What you see in the magazines and on tv is not real, its a false image of what these people actually want to be! take of all the make up, strip of their clothes, sack their teams that help them with their jobs and looks and you will find they are like the average person, they are just like you and me. So in my eyes I am a real woman a woman they are pretending to be

x

Out of the red and in to the Green

Money money money, money can either make you happy or it can make you highly depressed. Money happens to be one of those things that can make you or break you, lets face it everybody needs money. As much as I hate to say this we do it need it to survive and with the major cut backs the government are bringing in money will now be a lot of peoples best friend and provider. Some people will be working extreme over time, some retiring at very old age, some taking up 2 or 3 jobs. What is our world coming to? can you imagine the amout of stress levels people will have very soon? but lets try and be positive about our own situations and focus on our own situations. How can we make our money situations better.......

I have a goal which is to be debt free by the end of the year! so that I can start the new year feeling relieved. I want to feel ready for the new year, firstly by feeling free, relaxed and able to scream out "I GOT THE GREEN LIGHT!".Im sure some people will be confused by this phrase, what I mean by this phrase is I want to be out of the red and in to the green. The red zone means stop, its a stop in your journey path, something is holding you back from moving forward. It could be debt, relationship issues, housing issues etc so in other words a negative block. The green zone is when you continue walking freely on your journey path about to embrace new opportunities and adventures.

My aim is to pay of my debts by the end of this year so all my money problems are erased! I want to start the new year with a new savers plan that I know I can stick to. A plan where I can save money towards future plans, a set amount that is used to pay bills, a nice budget in which I can treat myself. These things may sound easy but not so when your working hours are very limited and are recieving low income. I am really working hard on changing that all around. I have even been looking at courses and branching out in to different job fields, who knows I may find something that I am really great at that I never thought I would ever be good at, and who knows I may really progress in this job field.

To start all of this I have written 5 courses that I am really interested and feel I can learn something valuable from. I intend to do a course next year and create a portfolio related to this course, hopefully with the qualification and portfolio I can get some work experience and progress.I have also registered with a few recruitment agencies, it is likely I will get temporary work instead of permanent but it is better than nothing. With the temporary jobs my aim is to pay off my debts when I do get paid and do a small christmas shop. No big fancy presents this year, a small gift and lots of love is what I will be giving friends and family this year.

So its time to get out of the red and in to the green!!!!

x

rich vs poor, poor and rich vs us

I have been gone from my blog for almost a month now which is terrible! The past few weeks I have been in hibernation, I have gone through what I call the world analysis phase.

The weather has been horrible the past few weeks, it is freezing outside. Winter is practically here and I really believe we are going to have an ice cold winter! It is time to bring out the thermal gloves, sheep skin boots, long oversized winter coat and the hat which is 2 sizes bigger than my head. I have not worked much through the past few weeks with my agency and to be honest although financially Im struggling its actually been a good thing staying at home. The thought of going outside in the cold sends chills up and down my spine and being at home has given me time to catch up on things I have avoided.

My time at home I have read through magazines, watched a few tv programmes (mostly reality shows), read a few fashion/beauty/lifestyle and celebrity blogs. I have also spent time releasing, I shall explain what I mean by that somewhere within this blog.

Is it me or has the world gone crazy????, When did people become so vain? so fashion crazed? so greedy for money? so dedicated to their appearance alone? so career obssesed that they have no time for love, their families or friends?....... what has become of our world?

In every magazine I read all I saw was who has broken up with who, who is making a lot of money, who has the best dress sense, who has the best bodies in the world, advice on how to look like a certain celeb, diet tips to get a great figure, how to attract any man you want, sex positions advice and so on. Then reality shows all I could see was females who wake up and go to bed perfected with makeup and great hair, the lavish life styles they live, the foul language they use towards their families, the competitiveness between families, the money they spend. And as for the blogs its all about what great jobs their doing, promotions, expensive nice things they have just purchased, events they go to, luxury holidays, their celeb friends etc etc.

Now how is the average person supposed to feel when reading in to all of this? It now makes sense to me why we have a young generation of walking barbie dolls and wanna be p diddys. So many young people want to be famous and they want to be famous for all the wrong reasons. They just want to be seen and known by the world but what they really need to think about is what do they want to be known as and how do they want to be remembered? to be a legend is not about how much you spend, and how great your life is and how stunning you are 24/7. The greatest legends in this world had a talent and they worked extremely hard on their talent to create something that would leave a mark in this world. These legends are known and will be remembered for their talents not for the luxurious life they lived. For example Elvis Presley, Michael Jackson, Gandhi, Albert Einstein, Hugh Hefner, Audrey Hepburn, Bob Marley, Bruce Lee, Marilyn Monroe, Michael Jordan and Oprah.

Some celebs love the fact that people admire them so much that they spend so much trying to look like them. It gives celebs more of a reason to use that to their advantage and create fashion lines, make up, perfumes etc that relate to themselves. It tells a person buy my products so that you can look or smell or feel like me. When in truth the real statement is "keep putting your money in my pocket, its what helps me continue to be a millionaire".I personally find it disturbing, I believe every person should have their own identity and should feel free to be who they truly are. If people could do this there would be a lot less people with insecurities and people would be more appreciative of their lives. And who knows you might actually have some money saved in your pockets as you would have no reason to go crazy with your spendings!

The amount of money the average person spends on trying to live the luxury life that these big time celebrities live is ridiculous, it is the reason why so many of us find it so hard to buy a house, buy a car, travel reguarly and have enough money saved in our bank accounts. As suddenly as people get paid they head straight to the shops to buy clothes, shoes, make up, get their hair and nails done, go out partying until their pockets run dry. Then the next week you wake up miserable as your low in funds!. It disgusts me how people can buy an expensive bottle on champagne and for a laugh pour it on each other, are they aware that this is a very disrespectful and selfish act! There are poor people dying from lack of drinking water and you throw money like its nothing.

I think people should stop and look at some of these celebrities their aspiring to be like and ask themselves how much do these people really give back to suffering communities? Because we see them performing for an aids show, or promoting on a red nose day advert or because they said theyve donated some money to a charity does that mean they are really giving back???.

Some of these celebs are big time millionaires! Wouldnt it be great if we saw a lot of them going to 3rd world countries and doing voluntary work there? and how about giving a school in a 3rd world country a big donation, or giving some of their unwated clothing to the poor. Why does it always have to be done through a charity organisation when we know fully well that charity organisations have thousands of staff that need to get paid, their campaigns cost money, marketing cost money etc etc so could all the money being donated really be going to the poor? in fact how much does really go to the poor???.

It is very sad to see as there are very poor people in the world who have nothing to eat, are unaware of peoples excessive spending and yet still remain smiling and holding on to faith. The thought of it has really made me appreciate my life and what I have, the times I thought I did not have much, I realise now to some I look like a millionaire when in reality I am far from it.

It gave me motivation to have a major clearout in my room, this is what I call the releasing stage. I used to have 2 wardrobes full of clothes and 3 huge cases of shoes, I now have 1 wardrobe of clothes and 1.5 cases of shoes. Yes ladies and gentlemen I have let go of some more of my beloved clothing and shoes which will be going either straight to charity or shipped to Ghana to some of the young people who deserve to have something very fancy in their wardrobe. Letting go of the clothing put the biggest smile on my face as I know I am doing something very good that can make a positive change in someones life. I never really knew how good I have had it, but now I see clearly and I am so grateful for what I have and my life! Now it is time for me to appreciate those who really deserve to have some of what we have and to do that I shall do my best every 6 months collecting clothes from friends and family and donating it to people directly in Ghana

x

Crappy days

The past week has been what I call a crappy week, I felt like crap and looked like crap! Every morning when I woke up I refused to look in the mirror because I knew how I would look, I have been feeling very run down, dehydrated and have had a lot on my mind. I had never felt this way before, I had the feeling that I was not attractive, I didnt feel pretty or feminine. No matter what I wore I just didnt feel beautiful. So I went through a small phase of wearing baggy tshirts and tracksuits. For me this is very out of character but I had to accept that from going through a recent situation I was beginning to punish myself.

I was punishing myself for things not going well, punishing myself for losing a friend, punishing myself for doing the right thing. Punishing myself for not getting the job of my dreams and punishing myself for not being where I thought I would career wise and financially. This had become a problem as I begn to get the anxiety attacks again, which I had got rid of in the beginning of the year. Some people may not know that fear and self doubt tends to do this to some people.

This was beginning to cause a few problems in my life, which is hard for some to believe. Some people do not think that in the space of a week your life can turn upside down!, mine did and I am trying to bring it back up again. From punishing myself I had no motivation what so ever to talk to friends or family on the phone when they called me, I wanted to be alone. The simplest thing like replying to messages and emails also became a daunting chore. Looking in the mirror I did not see a beautiful woman. How could 1 situation make my life change in a drastic unpleasant way???

I didnt get the dream job that I wanted which really did crush me!, I was so happy when I had the interview and the manager gave me a lot of praise, I really believed that I was getting this job. When I found out I didnt get it I was so frustrated and angry, I had put my all in to that interview as this job is what I really wanted career wise. It would be so hard finding a job opportunity like this again. Not getting the job really dampened my mood.

When I finally realised what I had been doing to myself I had to tell myself to stop! this is not who I am as a person. I sat up for a few hours creating a new vision board and was really true to myself, I put on my vision board what I really want right now in my life, what I desire, what I dream about, what I want to achieve. I also put some affirmations on the vision board. I placed my vision board on my wall so that every morning and evening I can look at it, say my affirmations and keep a positive frame of mind.

I pray every morning and meditate every morning so that I can clear my mind from all thoughts especially negative thoughts! my next step is to beat my anxiety, fear and self doubt. I have learnt that my issue is I think too much, I worry about everything and always want things to turn out perfect. I aim to make everyone else happy and forget about what I want and what will make me happy.

I am really trying to work on my fears and feel beautiful again, I know I am a beautiful person on the inside but I dont know why I feel like I am not beautiful on the outside. I guess I have to take baby steps and the 1st step would be self love and accepting that there are some things in life we can not control. The best thing to do would be to let that go and look forward to whats next to come. What comes next could be much better than what you did not get the first time round.

Growing Up

The last few days has been very emotional for me, Ive always been told within a negative you can find a positive, and to my suprise I have found the positive so I strongly believe in this statement, but I have recently learnt within a positive there is likely to be a negative. Sometimes that negative can make your whole world fall apart. I am currently holding on to my world and trying to remain very strong and positive in mind. I feel like I have just been in a storm, my house is falling apart and I am trying to rebuild my home.

The past few weeks I have been re-evaluating my life and realised I need to make some changes in my life. Im getting older and there is so much I want to achieve like marriage, my own family, buying my first home, buying a car, travelling as a family etc. But how can I achieve this when I avoid it so much and stay in my comfort zone?!

I have made a few changes that I am proud of and happy about, I have been attending church every sunday, I pray and do my affirmations every day. It feels so good to be with people who share the same beliefs and support one another in their belief.

I have started to avoid getting on public transport all the time and do a bit more walking, that way I get fresh air, exercise and can meditate at the same time, it has been refreshing. My mind seems to be very clear when I walk as I concentrate on my breathing and my surrounding. I love nature so walking by trees and beautiful plants always puts a smile on my face and really puts my mind at ease.

I have also started to make more of an effort with my younger cousins, interacting with them and helping them within their teenage years. Being a teenager can be very tough as you go through so much pressure so knowing my cousins feel they can come to me for help is wonderful. Im here to help them make the right choices and support them within their lives.

I am learning to be more of an adult and make the right choices in life, I feel it is time for me to grow up and stop living like a teenager. Ive out grown that stage.To achieve my desires I really need to work on it. I believe in life we should be able to balance work and play. There is time to play and there is time to work. I recetly made a choice that I believe in my heart is right! nothing can change my mind and make me believe it is wrong. Never in my life did I think making the right choice could cause an explosion in my life.

The explosion has resulted in me losing someone I care about with all my heart, when I say Ive lost them, I mean this person hates me! which is so hurtful and heartbreaking. Its caused my loved ones to hold tight on to me so I feel no more pain. Yes as comforting as it sounds its also sad as I dont want people to feel pity for me or feel they need to watch over me all the time. The whole week I have kept to myself and let my emotions out and now Im at the point where I cant cry anymore. Im over the crying and the pain, Ive had enough of it.

Through my life I have done my best to be a good person but sometimes I guess thats just not good enough for some people or they are too blind to see goodness. When I make decisions I have always thought about what would make others happy never about what will make me happy or what I know deep down in my heart is right. I havre always been trying to protect others and keep them happy. Now that I am older I can see where my faults were and why I never achieved in certain things.So for once in my life I am proud to say I have made a right decision! I am growing up and making grown up decisions, if I am going to be hated for doing the right thing what can I do?. No I do not want to be hated but if a person feels this way about me there is nothing I can do about it. No matter how much this person hates me I am not going to hate them, I will always have love for them. I know I am doing the right thing and so what I need to do is continue in my journey with a positive frame of mind and let the magic/greatness unfold.

Looks like Im finally growing up :)

When illness tries to take over

Ive been in my own world the past few days as I have a lot on my mind. Recently I have been very ill, The pain has been horrible and I have been feeling very weak. Ive had a bit of bed rest but I have to admit it gets very boring lying in bed watching movies or reading a book. This illness has given me time to think about which direction I am going in life, what I want in life and how to live a more happier life. Sitting down and looking at my life helped me see Im really not where I want to be in life, a lot is missing. Ive worked so hard for many years in every job that I have done but what I failed to realise at the time is that It has nothing to do with what I want to do in the future, this has been a major block in my life as now that I am trying to find a job in the field I have interest in and it is not easy at all due to the lack of work experience in this field. This began to add to my illness and really frustrate me.

It has taken for my cousins visit from France to help relax me more and escape from these negative feelings and thoughts. Since my cousin has been here we have been apart of the notting hill carnival, tried new restaraunts, natural history museum, V&A and we still have a lot of places to visit and tour. It has been so much fun and a breath of fresh air! although I must say entertaining guests can be very hard work. My little sister has been here to help out and we have really enjoyed being silly, watching movies together and chit chatting. sadly there have been times where my pains have really kicked in and made me unable to enjoy a few things like notting hill carnival!, It started out with me really enjoying myself and then all of a sudden the pain rushed in and wouldnt go away, it was horrible!, I couldnt wait to get in to bed and rest. I ended up resting in the van until It ended.

Being ill can be depressing, There have been times I am in tears from the pain or where I feel so weak I can not walk for too long but through this I am very grateful to have my cousin, mom, dad and sisters with me at this time supporting me and showing me amazing love. Sometimes they see how weak I am, hug me and give me a kiss on the cheek, to some this may be a small gesture but how it makes you feel inside is the opposite. I feel loved and it is amazing knowing that I have people who really love me and are there for me when Im at a very bad point in life. My family are my rock and are helping me get better day by day and they are doing this with their love. Some of my friends and relatives know I am ill, I can honestly say only 3 or 4 have showed concern and support, the rest dont care. I know they shouldnt have to run to help me, but saying "get well soon" doesnt do any harm. Maybe Im different to other people, Ive always been the one people talk to when their down, Im the one when their ill is there to support them, Im the one to put a smile on their face or make them laugh, Im the one that gives them positive words. But when it comes to me, their nowhere to be found......it says a lot about my so called friends and relatives. But that wont stop me from being the person I am, it teaches me that in my times of need I do not need to go out of my home to look for love, care and support as it is right next to me, around me :)

I am very determined to beat this illness and am fighting to enjoy the rest of the time my cousin is here. I also have a major project that I am working on and I have set myself a goal to have it running by the end of september. I am going to achieve this goal, my illness will not stop me!!!! not this time. This project is something I am very passionate about, Im so excited and am going to work so hard to make it a success.

I have been sitting at home on my laptop researching and learning new things to put in to my project, I have a vision of what I want and I have to make this vision a reality. It as been headache! as I am not a computer geek at all so some of the packages I have to use make no sense to me, Ive asked people for help and its either they dont understand my vision or they cant help me or they use computer terms that I dont know! or they want a lot of money to do it for me. I would prefer to learn it for myself so that I know and understand what I am doing fully. Let me tell you this has been stress as I have no idea where to start! sometimes I wish I had magical powers so I can make whatever I want happen within seconds.

Since being ill my phone has been on silent, Im at the point where I want to avoid being peoples shoulder to cry on, I just want some time to laugh, smile, dance, sing, play and ERASE THIS ILLNESS FROM MY LIFE! I want to live life, I want to smile so much that my cheeks hurt and laugh so much that tears roll down and I have a wonderful nights sleep. I deserve this and so thats what I am going to do.

x

Good deeds

So the past few days have been very eventful, its been up and down. Ive created myself a budget plan which means for the next few months I have to be very tight with the money I have. I will put a little aside for treats and going out but a majority of it has to go to paying the bills on time, and going in to my savers account.

I remember when my mom would give me pocket money and used to tell me to SAVE SAVE SAVE, I used to think she was crazy and would run to the shops and buy junk food, clothes etc etc. But now that I am older and have struggled through the recession I understand why she said SAVE!

So I am listening to her exact words and I am going to save! but I have set myself a target to pay my mom back for my netbook, my carnival costume (yes I will be on a float for carnival! eek excitement. MANGROVE to be exact) and finally paying off the 1 bill that has been giving me headache! I beieve I am going to achieve this target and I shall.

To start off my week I have been going through my wardrobe and sorting out clothes, all the clothes I do not want I washed and have put in a big bag to give to charity. I am still deciding If I should give it to charity or a hostel for people that have not many clothes etc. All the clothes I am giving away are in very good condition and there are a few designers. It has been so hard parting with some of the clothes as they were either expensive or clothes that I love! but the truth is they do not fit anymore and someone that really needs them deserves to have them.

My second good deed of the week is yesterday a mouse ran in to our front room and something fell on it which killed it :(
My family are not too keen on mice, cats and dogs so to see a mouse in in the front room caused a lot of screams. It was actually quite funny! My mother called me downstairs to get rid of it, as Im the animal lover in the house of course I would do that but at the same time, the fact that it is an animal I felt a bit queazy. Seeing a dead animal or an animal that is hurt always makes me feel uneasy but I had to be brave. So I picked it up slowly with a shovel and placed it on tissue in an old shoe box and took it out to bury it.

Some people may think thats stupid or disgusting but what they need to remember is that, that animal is a life too! If you were dead lying on the ground would you want people to just leave you there? or kick you to a corner? no! you would want to be buried nicely also so that is what I done for that mouse.

And to be honest from these 2 good deeds I feel a bit happier within myself, I have helped an animal one of Gods creatures and I am helping people who need love and support. So go me!

x

Natural beauty

Yesterday morning I was in lazy mode, just woken up and was lying in bed when the doorbell kept ringing. I was cursing non stop as it was 8am and I was extremely tired. I raced down the stairs remembering I was told an important delivery was coming, I opened the door recieved the heavy box and the courier said to me "oh my gosh you are so beautiful, you should be in britains next top model", now I had to be polite smile and say thank you but really in my head I was thinking is he high?! I have just woken up and I feel like crap. At first I just let what he said go and went straight to the bathroom to sort myself out, usually when I wake up I do not look in the mirror I do that after I shower, brush my teeth, moisturise and am fully dressed. Out of curiosity I decided to look in the mirror and try and see what he was talking about. Personally I think I looked how I look every day of my life natural. The odd notorious spot or 2, dark circled eyes, pale face that is in need of sun, he calls this britains next top model quality? I wouldnt say britains next top model quality, I say its natural beauty. I have become more confident with my natural look and am not ashamed to show what I look like naturally. I love my natural look.

I love make up but only when I go out to parties which is very irregular. On a daily basis I like to be natural, vaseline is the only thing I use and that is so my lips do not dry out. I have always been comfortable being natural but I cant help but notice how many women look at it as ugly and embarrassing!

Speaking to some of my friends I find it quite strange that none of them will step out of their house without make up, not even to the corner shop!, I find applying make up takes a bit of time and is not worth it just to go and get milk from the corner shop. I have eczema and so If I wear make up for a long time my skin gets very irritable so I just leave the make up alone.

On the other side I find many women wanting to look as stunning as celebs which has driven them to invest a lot of money in to hair, clothes and make up, once again that is something I shant be doing. I like the simple elegant look and plus I do not have the money that some of these celebs have. If I did I'd be spending it on holidays with my family and friends. I look at some of my cousins and friends and think their crazy when I see them wearing high heels on a daily basis, flawless make up, hair freshly styled, best clothing on. They must be suffering with a few bunions, corns, sore feet, breakout of spots and so on. Theres nothing wrong with making an effort but I cant help but wonder how many hours a day does it take for them to have the perfect look. Does your body and skin not get tired of it? Is having the perfect look really worth it?

People forget that celebrities have a lot of help to gain the perfect look, they have hair stylists, make up artists, wardrobe stylists, nutrionist, surgeons, personal trainer and the list goes on. The amount of money they spend just on their appearance must be a huge sum! the perfect look never lasts long, strip all the make up off, the clothes, the hair and their normal girls like you and me.

I find it so strange when a celeb is spotted without make up that they get a hard time for it, do people think they look like barbie dolls everyday?, I look at these celebs with their flaws and still see beauty. Looking at them naturally is like looking at myself naturally. I find walking outside without make up I feel free, its a great feeling.

I love the way I look naturally and I wish all women felt the same about themselves, If you wear make up just to impress a man, you need to remember when you do get him he is going to eventually see you without all the glitz and glamour so you might aswell show him from the beginning what you really look like. Some women need to understand not every man is attracted to the fake look they are aware that it is all a mask and not real. And to be honest I believe you should look and feel beautiful for yourself not for anyone else

x

"NEW"

I am really excited this week and I am hoping and praying the excitement remains till the end of the year!

When the new moon was approaching I decided to pick out an angel card for the next 6 months which I call my new moon card. My card was "New love", I was very happy when I got this card as I am searching for my soulmate. I am ready to settle down and have a family of my own. All my loved ones seem to be getting married, having babies or moving in with their partners which has really inspired me and made me want these things in my life even more. With my new moon card I set myself new goals which is part of my new beginning. So far I have achieved some of the goals and I am so happy about this!

Firstly last year I was telling my sisters how much I wanted to change my fashion style. I wanted to have a bit of a mature look yet something stylish and sexy. So with the little temp jobs I have been doing this year when I got paid I would head out to the shops and markets like portabello and purchase some bargains. I also keep a lot of my old clothes that still fit as fashion always repeats itself! Now when I look in my wardrobe I am loving what I see! the bags, shoes, accessories, dresses, jackets. I feel like I have accomplished my new fashion style. There is only 1 thing missing from that but Im working on it.

Although I have been financially struggling miracles really have been happening in my life. Strangely I have only been able to see them clearly this year, could it because I am more spiritually enlightened now than I have ever been?
My laptop, my dear old friend was battered, bruised and dying! It was an old packard bell and I did not want to let go of it as it has so many pictures, videos, work files of mine on there. It holds great memories for me and so letting it go was a no no! I even used celotape to hold the screen together. Yes I know some of you are laughing and I am too the shame haha. It is not until my battery would only last 7 minutes without the charger and kept freezing I accepted and decided it needs to be put to rest. So sadly on 06/08/2010 my dear old friend was boxed up and put away. I knew it was time to get a new laptop but with what funds???, I had been looking for a mini laptop that I can carry around with me so I can do work on the go but also had some little fun things to it like skype, msn, games, pictures and music. I am a SATC fan and in SATC2 I couldnt help but notice the vivienne tam hp mini netbook and I am telling you my heart stopped, I wanted it! it was soooo cute. I got on the internet and done a bit of research on it and I decided I wanted it but problem is I had no money to buy it!. I was on the phone communicating with 2 of my good friends and 1 of them had purchased the netbook, that was my sign that I had to get it.
Funny enough my mom approached me the day after and said I would need a laptop to do some work and apply for jobs and so she is going to get me a laptop of my choice, once I get a job I will have to pay her back. I almost cried! my mother knows how hard I have been working towards getting a great job and would often tell me to take breaks before I end up having a breakdown. I know that she really wants me to get a great job and to offer to buy me the laptop I was so thankeful and I still am. Sooooo I currently have the butterfly vivienne tam netbook and I am loving it! my mother got the pink chinese one and together were working it all out, its been so much fun. Just through these netbooks me and my mom are really bonding.

My next new thing is the HTC desire! my current phone has been headache and I have wanted to get rid of it for months! but due to the contract that was not possible so I have waited and waited for my upgrade and it has finally happened. I have had my eyes set on the HTC for a very long time and so now that I am getting it I am more than happy.

My new start is really happening with a bang! and I am for once in my life really really happy. I believe when I really want something and I focus on it, God sends a miracle. I feel very blessed and Grateful to have God in my life. New moon, new beginning, new laptop, new phone and now Im praying for new job, new career and finally NEW LOVE
x

what to do? what to do?

So its just the 1st week in to this month and I am beginning to panic and worry as my finances are really decreasing! It really sucks being unemployed. The recruitment agencies I have joined have not yet contacted me with any work and when I did call them to check if any work had come through I recieved the same response they were unaware that I was not working, is that a joke?????!!!!, I call them every week with the same question "is there any work available", sometimes the answer is yes and sometimes no. My words of advice never rely on recruitment aencies, get out there and find a permanent job at least you know it will be more stable.I have also been handing out my cv to a few places and to top it off sitting in front of my computer for hours filling out LONG application forms. I know I should not complain as I have been able to do a bit of work this year and there are people still struggling to get a days work. I am hoping things turn around for me and I do find something that I will enjoy. I have been quite lucky and just had 2 interviews! Some people may think only 2 interviews???!!! but what they need to understand is so many people are losing their jobs and to get the 1 interview is a miracle now adays!

Im hoping from these interviews I get a positive result! so that I can scream out "I am finally employed again!!!! woohoo!" haha.

It is stressful having little money and having to drastically budget your money as bills come along, paying for transport, food etc etc. You end up cuting out your social life, your unable to treat yourself or buy some of the things you actually need. I have set myself financial targets this year and due to not having a stable job I have not yet achieved them which is a big dissapointment for me. I keep saying to myself I should not be so hard on myself, I did not plan any of this, I was not aware that I would be made redundant. All I can do for now is keep job hunting.

I will admit the job hunt has been harder for me as I have decided to change my career and get in to something I really enjoy, something that I am passionate about and want to progress in. Within this field I have applied to so many places and it really does annoy me when you get no response. Now adays employers arent so professional or shall I say respectful to job seekers, you can apply for a job and never hear from them. It would be nice if you got a message saying you have been successful or unsuccessful, I personally would appreciate that more than being ignored. Sometimes you do not know if they have recieved you cv, sometimes you call and you are told you will get a call back and gues what???? you never get that call back.

I feel like I am walking on pebbles at the moment and would like to be walking on a smooth road, but the only way to do this is to make drastic changes, and that could mean letting go of one of my passions, something I believed I would do careerwise. This may be the wrong or right choice I do not know, but I know for now the only way for my financial status to improve is to work long hours or more days. Im still thinking about this.........Its times like this that I need a sign, a miracle or someone/something to appear in my life and guide me in the right direction. It is time to re-evaluate this year so far, what I have achieved, what I have not, what needs improvement and what needs to change.

What to do? what to do????

Every day we learn

I have not written a blog in a while and I have neglected my personal diary which is not healthy as I have a lot on my mind and need to release it before I explode. There is a lot that I have learnt the past few weeks, some from good situations and some from bad situations. But 1 thing I have really accepted and learnt is that where there is a negative there is a positive. within a negative situation you can find a positive.

So here goes.........

Well to start off with I have not had a steady job in a while and this is not by choice!, It just happens that I get settled in to a company and due to the lack of funding they either close down or they have to let a lot of people go, unfortunately I am 1 of those people. It has been very hard for me as I am so used to getting a fair flow of income coming in and I have had to deal with minimum income. It has been a bit hard as there is a lot that I need/ want and to gain these things I really need a decent amount of money coming in. I am not going to complain as I have been able to survive this year, I have managed to buy some of the little things that I want and go to some places which will be memorable. Also I know there are people with no form of income coming through and they are really struggling. My heart goes out to them as it is not easy, but what I must say is that the small time I have worked within these companies I have really enjoyed myself! I have never been in a work field which I have enjoyed with a passion!. the work staff were great, clients were lovely, the job itself was fun and really enjoyable. This is all down to me stating to an agency I applied to what I want to do and what I amnot comfortable doing. I believe you should do a job you enjoy so that your stress levels are non existent.
The great thing that has come out of this is I am looking for a career change and have been applying for jobs within the fields I am interested in, I have had an interview with 1 place that I feel I will work well in so we shall see. hopefully I get it! If not I will keep applying to jobs of my interest as I know I will get 1 of them and who knows it could be the right one forme! :)

Moving on to LOVE, well what can I say I did not get the response I wanted from the guy I liked, in fact how we felt about each other was completely different. I am going to be honest and say yes it really hurt and I was really upset about it, I felt like I had been led on but funny enough I am not hurting anymore. I will remain being nice to him and class him still as a friend but I know from how he feels I will not be taken advantage of, Sometimes when you express your feelings to someone they feel they can play mind games with you as you are some what naive and vulnerable due to your strong feelings for them. Its almost like they feel if they say jump you will, I am strong enough to say NO! and this is what I have done, I have said NO! I want to be respected, appreciated and loved and I believe I deserve this. If we are not meant to be I have to release my feelings for him so that I am able to embrace love for my real soulmate who is out there and I believe getting closer to me. For now I think we are friends, I will always care about him and have love for him but thats how far it goes.

Friendships???, this has been a mind boggle for me as this year I have been learning who my friends are and slowly the number is dropping 1 by 1. People are becoming more secretive, unsupportive, stabbing each other in the back and so on. I have chosen not to be apart of that cycle. I am at a point where I dont feel I have real friends, I feel I have a lot of aquaintances. For years so called friends have used me as a shoulder to cry on, or for my contacts/networks, or just to be around someone positive that motivates them. I have even noticed some of my future plans which included some of my friends they have run off, taken the ideas and started businesses using these ideas, my 1st reaction was anger, then hurt but after really thinking about It I have to laugh. There is a lot of people that step all over each other to make it out on top, Its like a rat race! I am simply not one of those people. I am in no rush to achieve my major goals as I know a lot of hard work has to be put in to it and to achieve it a lot of research, studying, marketing etc has to be done. It takes time to build a succesful career for some people quicker than others and that is if they are brought up in to a very wealthy family, or they are at the right place at the right time!. that is not the case for me and I am a bit of a perfectionist so i like to make sure things are done properly. I am going to do what I know is right and be supportive of their careers, I wish them all the best and I hope they are happy. Some people may think I am crazy for doing this but in all honesty I can still use the original ideas, I am continuously getting more ideas and so I can put it all together and create something very succesful, something that I will love and feel very proud of. I really believe in myself and I feel I am going down the right route in life. I am not going to give up just because I have competition or because some people want to see me fail, this is my life and I control my life and I want the best in life and the best to me is happiness, love and success.

Once again: ASK, BELIEVE, RECIEVE!

x

Cry it all out

The past few days I have been feeling a bit alone within my thoughts and have found myself not wanting to be around people as much, Ive been quite reserved and Im actually liking this space. Its peaceful, calm and I feel free. Nobody to tell me what to do or people raining their negative issues and emotions on me or people arguing. But still something within me needs to come out, there is still a hidden emotion that needs to be realeased.

80% of me is happy and I know that seems like such a big percentage so I should accept this and move on but that 20% that is sad lies within my heart. I believe if the heart is 100% happy the rest does not really matter. I know my heart needs healing and more self love is needed but I also feel that will not help heal my heart as much. something needs to be realeased, emotions does. I need to cry out the hurt, once I have cried it all out I will have no need to cry anymore.

People make you feel if you cry when you are hurt, you are being weak, crying doesnt necessarily mean negative, sometimes when we cry its because we are filled with happiness or excitemement. Sometimes we cry out negative energy so that we can fully breathe in positive energy. It has nothing to do with being weak, crying is part of the healing process.

I know my heart needs healing and so I decided to find a film that has family values and a strong meaning,a film that would also bring this emotion out of me. I decided on the film 'my sisters keeper', now let me tel you that film made me cry, now looking back at it, if anybody had seen me they would have thought It was my family going through this issue. When the tears came from my eyes and would not stop I could feel my heart and mind feeling much lighter. When the tears stopped I felt a heavy dark shadow leave me and I began to meditate, say affirmations to bring in positive energy.

My heart is still going through the healing process and Im glad I let out all that emotion as I needed it. I am so used to holding in all my pain and hurt, it builds up and then eventually I come to breaking point. Im learning not to repeat this mistake as when I get to breaking point I disconnect from everything and everyone.

The next step to my healing process is being around the people that I know love and care about me. Laughing with them, smiling with them, talking with them, going out with them. And most importantly thanking and appreciating them as without them I would really be alone, I would be a lost soul.

x

The solar total eclipse

For those of you who do not know, today is the day where some of us will be able to see the solar total eclipse. Good things do come with the eclipse if you have a positive frame of mind and I have told my friends and family today we will have a small celebration as within the next 6 months is the time we really make sure we achieve all the goals we have set ourselves for this year.

If you do not really know what a solar eclipse means: It is seen from the Earth. A solar eclipse occurs when the Moon passes between the Sun and the Earth, and the Moon fully or partially covers the Sun as viewed from some locations on Earth. This can only happen during a new moon.

A lot of people including myself believe that a solar total eclipse means new beginnings. For some people big changes will happen in their life, here is what I did find when reading a magazine.

Leo: Its time to find fresh ways of exploring your spirituality

Virgo: Can expand their circle of friends and follow their dreams

Libra: Career opportunities should be looking up

Scorpio: Get a chance to change their lifestyle

Sagittarius: will gain a more meaningful love life

Capricorn: Will find ways to inject renewed energy into relationships

Aquarius: Will find health and fitness regimes will pay off

Piscies: See creative projects take flight

Aries: Can improve their home life

Tauraus: will be able to communicate their point of view better abd get what they want from life

Gemini: Can plan to attract financial gain

Cancer: Are set to transform their public and physical image

Some people may not believe in the power of the universe and what a new moon can do, I strongly believe and Im sure at the end of the year I will look back and feel that I have gained so much happiness and high achievement this year!

x

Healing a broken heart

Well what can I say?...........the title says a lot really.

Its only the beginning of the week and I feel like the days are never ending. I have been in my own world, not really communicating with people and I am really reflecting on the past few months. At this very moment I am still a bit confused, angry and very hurt!.

this is my situation, the past 2 weeks have been full of fun and laughter, Ive been attending parties, bbqs, going out to dinners and I even treated myself to a shopping spree which I havent done in about 2 years! The feeling was amazing, I am loving all my new clothing/shoes and can not wait to wear it out. The time I have had with friends and family has been wonderful. My family have been bringing me good news on their life progressions and I am so proud of them. Its so good to see the ones you love shining and really making a positie change in this world, it is so inspiring. The time I have had with old friends and new friends has been fun also, we have been catching up with each other on our lives and what steps we want to take next and how we can possibly help each other. The support really filled my heart! until the weekend just gone...........

The saturday was very nice, I had fun at a christening although I was very very tired. I have been feeling quite weak recently and I believe that is because I am more active than I used to be a few months ago. All this on the go is definately making my body feel drained and that is simply because my body is not used to it. So on sunday I tried to rest but I ended up going out to lunch which I shall not complain about because it was a lovely lunch and it was lovely to reconnect with an old friend who has always supported me. After this lunch I decided to take a big step in my life and find out/face the truth within something.

So Im sure you remember some time back I told a certain guy how I felt about him? and he never gave me a proper response? well I thought it was time to hear his response, how he felt and what he sees within me. To my suprise it was not what I expected at all! what I was told left me shocked, hurt and to be honest not happy at all. To be straight forward I basically got rejected.

When I had expressed my feelings some time back he didnt really take it seriously although I did mention those were my true feelings and it was so hard for me to pick up the courage and express it. We were both on 2 completely different pages and how we see each other is different. I felt how I was being looked at was wrong and was not me as a person. I felt through that small conversation we had bit by bit I was being knocked down and I was seeing more and more how I was not really appreciated, there was no love or care, it was like it had all gone or maybe on 1 side it was never there?. I had been led on, he may or may not have realised this is what he was doing but that is what was happening.

All of a sudden some how things were being turned on me but for once in my life I said in my mind NO! NO! NO! NO! I know for a fact this time I have done no wrong, I have never tried to hurt him and I will never do that, not tommorrow, not next next month and certainly not in years to come. I am not that kind of a person. What people may say I done wrong is that I cared, I showed love and I showed affection to someone who clearly didnt have or share these feelings with me. but to be honest this is just the person that I am, some people will accept and appreciate that love to the point they show love back and some people well they just dont care. Im not going to call him bad names, I do not hate or dislike him because at 1 point in my life he was a good friend. If he will still remain a friend I do not know and Im not trying to think about it at the moment as my heart is honestly still hurting.

I came off the phone almost feeling crushed and feeling almost stupid. I never went out on dates or flirted with any other men no matter how much people tried to push me to do this. When people had negative things to say about him I ignored as what I had seen within him was the opposite and I like to learn about a person myself. Ive always been the type of person where If I meet someone I am intersted in and want to learn more about them I do that, I do not date or give out my number to other guys as I try to focus on the one that I am interested in, learn about them as a person. I have also found it to be more respectful towards that person but maybe this is what 1 of the problems is for myself.

Because I was feeling so low I had 3 people 2 of them being really close to me really trying to comfort me and I am grateful to have people in my life like that who do care about me. Knowing that I have people who really care about me is the 1st step to my healing process, I know it will take me some time to get back to that happy place I was in a few days ago but I believe I will get there. This will definately teach me a valuable and vital lesson!

Although I feel hurt that does not mean I will give up on love, I will keep spreading and sharing love every day of my life! I know that 1 day I will find true love, I am not giving up on love and to the one that hurt me I still have love for him regardless of what has happened I just know that he is not the one to recieve all of my love.

My friend did manage to send me some valid points that will help me and Im sure many single women when they feel they have met someone they are interested in really sit and think is he really the one:

1. He is hardworking
2. Values your purity so much that he is willing to put his selfish needs aside and grow with you
3. You are able to see that you are an important part of his life, he has made you part of him and you can see this without him having to tell you
4. he shares common interest with you, he is interested in seeing you go forward and pays interest in whatever you do
5. he is not ashamed to go out with you holding hands, showing you off. You can feel he is proud of you and is honoured to have you by his side
6. he confides in you befor making big choices, there is no me or I just us


Think about it ladies

x

Positive hibernation

Ive been hibernating for a while and I would say now has been the best time to do that since the world cup is on. With the world cup being on it means no distractions I can really focus on what I am trying to achieve this year and in my life. Im not really a football fan so I really have no reason to watch the world cup, it actually bores me to be honest, for me to watch football I would need a whole lot of snacks and junk food to keep me focused lol.

In my hibernation time my mind has been like a yoyo, one day I am happy and full of life, the next day negative thoughts kick in. This all leads down to the goals I have set myself. I have set myself with a few goals this year and I am still yet to achieve a lot of them, I am so used to easily achieveing my goals very quickly and so now that it is not working that way I get frustrated. sometimes I even feel like giving up and when I try to confide in someone they have nothing but negative feedback that makes me feel a lot worse.

So I have kept myself away from people so that I can try and regain my positive thoughts and positive actions, Its like Im disconnecting with 1 network and joining another. By saying this I mean I am closing down everything that adds to my negative thoughts and embracing over powering positive energies. By doing this my mind is beginning to feel a lot more positive and I find myself feeling more self motivated.

I have been doing my regular exercise for an hour 3 times a day which I am really enjoying suprisingly. I have also taken up jogging early in the morning every saturday, I find when jogging its a change of scenery, I get to be around nature, breathe a different air and let go of all thoughts whether it be positive or negative. I have alo set up a step by step career plan! So for now I am working on those steps and doing my best to achieve them. To do this I have been going to the library to do research, read books that stimulate my mind and accessing courses on the internet. I feel I am going down the right track and I am coming to accept that I need to be a bit more patient, I need to take things step by step and stop thinking things will happen over night or less than a month. Some things just take time but If I work hard towards it, it will eventually happen. Theres no rush.

I find what has really helped me become more positive is angel cards, watching over 'the secret' and affirmations. I believe in God but I am definately more of a spiritual person, and I definately believe in angels especially after my recent experience. What I love about the angel cards is whatever feelings and thoughts I have, when ever I pick out an angel card the answer is always an answer to what I am thinking and feeling. Its like my angels are really with me daily and are answering me. I love watching the secret as it is very powerful and knowledgable stuff, its very motivating also. Everytime I watch it I automatically smile and feel that my life will get better everyday.

Affirmations are definately the key factor for me personally, I say them everyday and when I say them I have a great day, even when bad things happen. On a bad day I find a positive from it and see this as a lesson learnt. I have been listening to Louise Hay affirmations when I do feel low and listening to her words pick me right back up, her words give me reassurance and have helped me learn to enjoy life and myself more.

I am going to make sure I have pampering time for myself also during my hibernation period, so that means treating myself to foods I like, doing my nails, playing around with make up styles and trends, changing up my wardrobe style and my favourite movie nights in bed!

My morning daily affirmation that I feel everyone should say: I am whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious and happy

x

women unite

Today has been a really good day for me, on the weekend I was inspired by a movie I went to see with some of my close female friends. We went to see sex and the city 2, I felt it could have been a lot better than what it was but still I enjoyed it. I personally loved the fact that it was about a group of women who were very close friends and done so much together. talked, laughed, travelled together and when in need of support they had each other. This made me wish so much that females everywhere can do this.

We live in a world where now adays females are not that supportive of one another, they compete instead. You always hear of friendships breaking up and I have experienced this many times myself due to friends insecurites, jealousy and competing. Instead of loving, praising and being supportive of one another we have to spot out the flaws within each other and make one feel low about this flaw. I do not agree with this way of life. I am a woman of colour and I am proud of where I come from and who I am. I accept all people of different race and have friends and family of different race who I love. Sometimes I wish women of all races would come together and just be happy around each other. It would be great if we came together so that we can fight back on all these sterotypes that we are given.

What some people fail to see is that women are put under so much pressure, were divided in to groups which goes by our shape, our race, our sexuality and so on. Because we are all being split up and put in to groups we are now under pressure to compete with one another. We see our differences more clearly and we also see our similarities, then we start to compare each other and wonder whose better. When reality is nobody is better we are equal. We all have flaws whether it be on the inside or outside.

As a woman of colour the sterotypes I am given I personally throw right back and do not recieve. I am now telling women do not accept the sterotype people try to give you, the people sterotyping are ignorant and arrogant, that's all negative energy that you do not need in your life. I am not sayying you should fight with violence I am saying walk away from it, do not argue with them as you will be wasting your time and breath on someone who is so stuck in their ignorant ways that their mind will never change. They have a vision of you but their vision is correct, they do not shape you as a person or your life, you do!

because I am a woman of colour, people tend to say that I should be loud, rude, aggressive, feisty, non appreciative of the men in my life, I like to fight, have an attitude and a whole lot more negative attributes. My argument to this is these words are a description, a description of someones character. Not everyone has the same character we are all different! but may have some similarities. If you have been hurt or affected by a woman of colour what you ned to realise and accept is that it was the womans character or what she done in a situation that hurt you, not a black woman or black women. Do not blame it on her race, it was her character, do not judge every other woman of colour for her behaviour. What she done was not their fault or mine. And that goes for every woman you judge by their colour whether they be asian, white, mixed or black. It annoys me when people bring colour in to everything, this is why women struggle to come together and just be happy, were constantly being divided. Its not fair and its not right!

The amount of times people will say your not really like other black girls are you, that in itself is extremely annoying and I find offensive. I am human, I am quite a patient, happy and relaxed person but that is my character. But of course being human there are times I do get angry and may cry or shout, everyone does. If you have emotions bottled up you have to let it out before you drive yourelf crazy. Every woman does this just like every man does, its got nothing to do with colour!

Why do women have to worry about their size? colour? hair? we should'nt have to go through all of that in life, we just want happiness! is that so hard to ask for??!!.
I am quite petite all over and I can laugh with my friends and say "I wish I had your big boobs or I wish I had your big bum and thighs!", because they have great big boobs and bums! butsaying that I love and accept my body lol, I think the human body is a beautiful thing and there is no such thing as the perfect body. Women should embrace and love their bodies, instead of judging and competing with other women pay them a compliment. This is a nice way to start a new positive friendship, we all love compliments!

I love being around women who are bigger than me, smaller than me, darker than me, lighter than me, taller than me, shorter than me it shows diversity, and I love being in diverse groups. Its nice to know that I am being accepted for who I am and not what I am and vice versa. Erase the colour of my skin and I am still a woman just like every other woman. We may not be the same size, race, religion etc but we all deserve to be accepted and loved. I love accept and approve of myself, and to the women out there I love, accept and approve of you.

Love one another and support one another so we can beat all the negativity the media and society are trying to put in our lives!

x

touched by an angel

The past few days I had been feeling a little down, a little frustrated and a bit angry at myself. When I set myself a goal, I work extremely hard to achieve it!, this year I have set myself goals and I am finding some of them very hard to achieve. From this I become very frustrated and start to really get angry with myself, I feel I am becoming too much of a perfectionist and so If things do not go to plan I start to panic, then from panic leads to frustration, then from frustration Im not happy with myself. I really beat myself down when things do not go the way they should.

Ive also found myself feeling rather irritated and I have to control myself from snapping at people. It's not so much people irritating me, its my own self, my thoughts and feelings. I feel my career getting very close to me but yet its a distance away. Its like having a floating clear ball right before your eyes and you try to take it, but everytime you try to grab it, it moves backwards away from you. This is very frustrating in itself but when you have people that are looking at you and competing with you, that is very very frustrating. I am not one to compete with people, I am supportive of others and feel proud of the work that I have done. So I never quite understand why some people would look at me as competition, competition for what?, my life is not based on a race, I live everyday as it comes. I never usually let things like this get to me but then negatives thoughts will kick in which causes me to become irritated and I have to really erase these thoughts from my mind as I know negativity will bring my energy levels down.

to add to my irritation, I kind of let myself down for one that I really care about. My arms and heart are open to this person but I am still unaware/not sure if the same thing applies to me. Remember a few blogs back I told you I had picked up the courage to tell someone how I felt about them? but they never really answered? especially in the way I would have liked them too......well now were in the month of june and there is still a question mark on that, does this mean rejection? does it mean their not ready? does it mean their thinking about it? what does a blank statement mean?. I still find myself being loving and caring towards this person because these are the feelings that I have for them but could I be doing this all in vain?

with all this playing on my mind, yesterday when I got home I decided I really needed to clear my mind and what better way to do it than listen to some mellow inspiring soul music. While listening to the music I danced around my room singing along to the songs, my mind eventually felt a lot lighter and I felt happier, more relaxed and at peace. I was able to have a peaceful yet short sleep. This morning I woke up suddenly around 4.15 am, I was wide awake and felt amazing. I really believe I was touched by angel, a voice told me to keep smiling, let go of all fear and doubt, everything is going to be okay. Enjoy the days of my life and wonderful things will come to me, I should hold on to love, believe and have faith in everything I aspire to be and do then watch things unfold, great things are going to happen for me but I need to remain having faith, do not give up.

Some people may think Im crazy and made this up myself but to be honest It doesnt really matter what they think or say! This is what actually happened early this morning, Im amazed by it and it is a precious moment in my life which I will never forget, the experience really opened my eyes, the 1st thing I done was said my daily affirmations and meditated to some tranquil ocean music, my heart began to feel warmer and warmer and I could feel a rush of energy and happiness that now I cant stop smiling. After this I went down made myself a nice breakfast, and immediatey a song came to mind which I played out loud! the song was Goapele 'closer', it will be my song for the month. Im now ready to do an hour workout and then I am going to take a long walk in the park which I never really do. Something keeps telling me to make sure I go for a walk whether it rains or not.

I believe my prayers are being answered and I feel very blessed

x

What next?

Today is a beautiful day and I am indoors trying to see the positive within a negative situation.

Yesterday I was extremely frustrated and almost lost hope, I came in to work to find out that they will be closing down at the end of June and so I no longer will be working there. At first I was cursing in my head because to be honest the first few things I was thinking about was my finances and the fact that it is quite hard to get jobs at the moment. I work at a job that does not pay too well as it is and for the work I do they should really pay much more! but saying that remember I told you they mess me about a lot so lets just say my recieved finances are crap.

It took me a few minutes to realise that this is actually what I wanted!, I have been so miserable in my job and I wanted to get away from it, I wanted to get away from that whole field of work and right before my eyes it is happening. I have prayed to God to release me from this field of work and guide me in the direction of the career that I want. Could this possibly be God answering my prayers??? I believe he really did!

Now that the door will be closing on that field of work I am waiting for the right doors to open. The question is How do I find that door or doors? where do I go? how do I start?, this is where I really need help and guidance. Changing your career is not as easy as some people think it is, you have to be prepared for rejection and we all know to be rejected is a horrible feeling. You also need to take in to account that you may not have much experience within this new field or the qualifactions which give some employers a reason to say no.

Recently I sent through an application and recieved a response telling me I was unsuccessful, so I messaged the company back to ask why I was unsuccessful so I know where to go back and improve on. Funny enough I did not get a response, to be honest I believe I may know the main reason but I could be wrong. With this application you had to send pictures of yourself, to some people especially in the UK my look is not classed as feminine or beautiful or sexy or appealing. To them it is intimidating, rebellious and african inspired which they do not see as diverse or appealing to the eye, Living in the UK the european look is what people want. I have accepted that this is how some people are in this world, very judgemental and dont believe in change or giving people chances but that is their error. If we all looked the same there would be no such thing as diverse or versatile. The positive within this negative is whenever you are unsuccessful find out why, if they respond you have recieved some tips on what to improve on. this is the next step to getting that career you want.

I also strongly believe that there are people in this world who are more accepting of different looks and accept people with less experience or qualifications. Some employers are aware that this is how people grow and develop within their careers. We all have to start from small to make it big, my inspirations when it comes to career are richard branson, tyra banks and oprah. They started out small and have made it very big and I believe we can all do the same if we put are all in to it and do not let the word NO stop us. I no longer take rejection as rejection I see it as that was not the job for me and something better is waiting for me.

I watch and enjoy reality shows but noticed that a lot of people aspire to be like the characters in the shows, what they seem to forget is these people have been helped by someone with a very wealthy background eg their partner or parents. they were brought up in wealth, whereas a lot of us havent so how can we live that lifestyle when we are no where near that wealth????

To be honest yes I would like to be wealthy but I do not think about wealth too much I am very passionate about the career I want! I know If I get this career I will put my all in to it and enjoy it as It is something I have wanted for many years. Wealth will come but when It does I dont see myself shopping in very expensive shops just to get a piece of clothing with a brand name. I would buy a family home, travel around the world with family and friends, set up play and education camps in africa for homeless children and save for my childrens future.

So what next? how do I make this happen?. This is my theory on the path that you take through life. When walking down a path there are different levels on each level there are a a few doors. We get to choose a door to go through, the door can either be good for us or not so good. If you go through a good door you have accomplished that level and are walking down the path that is right for you and on to another set of doors. If you went through a door that is not so good, do not beat yourself up about it, that door shall be closed and you try another door, one of those doors will be the right door for you.

Some things come quicker for other people and so I am learning not to focus on that and to remain focused on my path. I am going to take 1 step at a time and work hard towards achieveing my career goals, when help is needed I will ask for help as I know sometimes you cant do everything yourself. Some things we know and some things we dont, so why not ask someone who does know?

x