This morning when I woke up I woke up with a smile and felt very proud of myself. I done something that I never have been able to do in the past because of fear. Do you ever go through stages in your life where you have a good friend who you feel is too negative and you dont want to tell them because you know the outcome will not be good? or you know someone who you care about so much but dont have the guts to let them know?
Yes this is all down to fear? I question myself on why I had this fear and I realised its because I always thought something negative would come from it due to my past. I was so used to getting negative responses that made me feel low and hurt. I didnt want to have this feeling again so I decided to keep my thoughts to myself but doing that It played on my mind a lot and I couldnt stop thinking about it. Its a very frustrating feeling and I would have a million questions going on in my head about that person.
I happened to be watching one of my favourite tv programmes The girls of the playboy mansion and one of the girls was attempting to do a stunt at a skiing resort, at first she didnt want to do it but decided to eventually. Her words really triggered something in my brain, her words were '**** fear, fear is what holds you back'. Those words really registered in my mind and that was it, the next thing I knew I had my phone in my hand and contacted my friend. I expressed to her how I felt about all the negativity and that its not something I like being around. Funny enough her response was that she had noticed that behaviour in herself and had lost many friends because of it, its something she wants to change about herself. We ended up having a very long good conversation and I had to applaud her for being honest and accepting the truth. Its also great that its something she wants to work on and improve. I support her fully and I know she will be able to gt through this. I feel it made are friendship a bit more stronger as I now know I can talk to my friends If I feel something is not right.
The next big step was very hard for me but I had to do it as It really played on my mind daily and I needed to let it go. I am so proud of myself because I picked up the courage to tell a guy that I have been friends with for some time now how I truly felt about him. I have liked him for quite some time now and I really care about him but Its not something I could tell him before, I kept it all to myself. Expressing my feelings has always been something I struggled to do as when I expressed myself in the past things didnt go so well, it always made me feel like I should keep my feelings to myself. From doing this I was miserable on the inside and probably lost out on good friendships and maybe relationships. But I managed to do it and let it all out and It felt so good. Its like my body and mind felt lighter. He may be in shock and the feelings may not be mutual but at least he knows, I am not going to lie It would be wonderful If the feelings were mutual. He did not respond in a negative way which helped ease my mind and we were able to make a little joke out of it. My feelings for him are out now and he is aware on how I feel. I dont need to think about it anymore as Ive said it and I am so happy that I said it. I now feel that I am able to express my feelings and I dont have to hold back or fear. It doesnt matter if the results are negative or positive, what matters is that I was able to say it and I said it to the right person.
The feeling is so great that I went out last night and was able to enjoy myself as I felt free. Nothing was running through my mind, I wasnt worrying or thinking about my friendships or something that was bothering me or something that was playing non stop on my mind, My mind was free. I danced the night away, enjoyed the company I was with and I have to say I had the best time ever.
x
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