Crappy days

The past week has been what I call a crappy week, I felt like crap and looked like crap! Every morning when I woke up I refused to look in the mirror because I knew how I would look, I have been feeling very run down, dehydrated and have had a lot on my mind. I had never felt this way before, I had the feeling that I was not attractive, I didnt feel pretty or feminine. No matter what I wore I just didnt feel beautiful. So I went through a small phase of wearing baggy tshirts and tracksuits. For me this is very out of character but I had to accept that from going through a recent situation I was beginning to punish myself.

I was punishing myself for things not going well, punishing myself for losing a friend, punishing myself for doing the right thing. Punishing myself for not getting the job of my dreams and punishing myself for not being where I thought I would career wise and financially. This had become a problem as I begn to get the anxiety attacks again, which I had got rid of in the beginning of the year. Some people may not know that fear and self doubt tends to do this to some people.

This was beginning to cause a few problems in my life, which is hard for some to believe. Some people do not think that in the space of a week your life can turn upside down!, mine did and I am trying to bring it back up again. From punishing myself I had no motivation what so ever to talk to friends or family on the phone when they called me, I wanted to be alone. The simplest thing like replying to messages and emails also became a daunting chore. Looking in the mirror I did not see a beautiful woman. How could 1 situation make my life change in a drastic unpleasant way???

I didnt get the dream job that I wanted which really did crush me!, I was so happy when I had the interview and the manager gave me a lot of praise, I really believed that I was getting this job. When I found out I didnt get it I was so frustrated and angry, I had put my all in to that interview as this job is what I really wanted career wise. It would be so hard finding a job opportunity like this again. Not getting the job really dampened my mood.

When I finally realised what I had been doing to myself I had to tell myself to stop! this is not who I am as a person. I sat up for a few hours creating a new vision board and was really true to myself, I put on my vision board what I really want right now in my life, what I desire, what I dream about, what I want to achieve. I also put some affirmations on the vision board. I placed my vision board on my wall so that every morning and evening I can look at it, say my affirmations and keep a positive frame of mind.

I pray every morning and meditate every morning so that I can clear my mind from all thoughts especially negative thoughts! my next step is to beat my anxiety, fear and self doubt. I have learnt that my issue is I think too much, I worry about everything and always want things to turn out perfect. I aim to make everyone else happy and forget about what I want and what will make me happy.

I am really trying to work on my fears and feel beautiful again, I know I am a beautiful person on the inside but I dont know why I feel like I am not beautiful on the outside. I guess I have to take baby steps and the 1st step would be self love and accepting that there are some things in life we can not control. The best thing to do would be to let that go and look forward to whats next to come. What comes next could be much better than what you did not get the first time round.

Growing Up

The last few days has been very emotional for me, Ive always been told within a negative you can find a positive, and to my suprise I have found the positive so I strongly believe in this statement, but I have recently learnt within a positive there is likely to be a negative. Sometimes that negative can make your whole world fall apart. I am currently holding on to my world and trying to remain very strong and positive in mind. I feel like I have just been in a storm, my house is falling apart and I am trying to rebuild my home.

The past few weeks I have been re-evaluating my life and realised I need to make some changes in my life. Im getting older and there is so much I want to achieve like marriage, my own family, buying my first home, buying a car, travelling as a family etc. But how can I achieve this when I avoid it so much and stay in my comfort zone?!

I have made a few changes that I am proud of and happy about, I have been attending church every sunday, I pray and do my affirmations every day. It feels so good to be with people who share the same beliefs and support one another in their belief.

I have started to avoid getting on public transport all the time and do a bit more walking, that way I get fresh air, exercise and can meditate at the same time, it has been refreshing. My mind seems to be very clear when I walk as I concentrate on my breathing and my surrounding. I love nature so walking by trees and beautiful plants always puts a smile on my face and really puts my mind at ease.

I have also started to make more of an effort with my younger cousins, interacting with them and helping them within their teenage years. Being a teenager can be very tough as you go through so much pressure so knowing my cousins feel they can come to me for help is wonderful. Im here to help them make the right choices and support them within their lives.

I am learning to be more of an adult and make the right choices in life, I feel it is time for me to grow up and stop living like a teenager. Ive out grown that stage.To achieve my desires I really need to work on it. I believe in life we should be able to balance work and play. There is time to play and there is time to work. I recetly made a choice that I believe in my heart is right! nothing can change my mind and make me believe it is wrong. Never in my life did I think making the right choice could cause an explosion in my life.

The explosion has resulted in me losing someone I care about with all my heart, when I say Ive lost them, I mean this person hates me! which is so hurtful and heartbreaking. Its caused my loved ones to hold tight on to me so I feel no more pain. Yes as comforting as it sounds its also sad as I dont want people to feel pity for me or feel they need to watch over me all the time. The whole week I have kept to myself and let my emotions out and now Im at the point where I cant cry anymore. Im over the crying and the pain, Ive had enough of it.

Through my life I have done my best to be a good person but sometimes I guess thats just not good enough for some people or they are too blind to see goodness. When I make decisions I have always thought about what would make others happy never about what will make me happy or what I know deep down in my heart is right. I havre always been trying to protect others and keep them happy. Now that I am older I can see where my faults were and why I never achieved in certain things.So for once in my life I am proud to say I have made a right decision! I am growing up and making grown up decisions, if I am going to be hated for doing the right thing what can I do?. No I do not want to be hated but if a person feels this way about me there is nothing I can do about it. No matter how much this person hates me I am not going to hate them, I will always have love for them. I know I am doing the right thing and so what I need to do is continue in my journey with a positive frame of mind and let the magic/greatness unfold.

Looks like Im finally growing up :)

When illness tries to take over

Ive been in my own world the past few days as I have a lot on my mind. Recently I have been very ill, The pain has been horrible and I have been feeling very weak. Ive had a bit of bed rest but I have to admit it gets very boring lying in bed watching movies or reading a book. This illness has given me time to think about which direction I am going in life, what I want in life and how to live a more happier life. Sitting down and looking at my life helped me see Im really not where I want to be in life, a lot is missing. Ive worked so hard for many years in every job that I have done but what I failed to realise at the time is that It has nothing to do with what I want to do in the future, this has been a major block in my life as now that I am trying to find a job in the field I have interest in and it is not easy at all due to the lack of work experience in this field. This began to add to my illness and really frustrate me.

It has taken for my cousins visit from France to help relax me more and escape from these negative feelings and thoughts. Since my cousin has been here we have been apart of the notting hill carnival, tried new restaraunts, natural history museum, V&A and we still have a lot of places to visit and tour. It has been so much fun and a breath of fresh air! although I must say entertaining guests can be very hard work. My little sister has been here to help out and we have really enjoyed being silly, watching movies together and chit chatting. sadly there have been times where my pains have really kicked in and made me unable to enjoy a few things like notting hill carnival!, It started out with me really enjoying myself and then all of a sudden the pain rushed in and wouldnt go away, it was horrible!, I couldnt wait to get in to bed and rest. I ended up resting in the van until It ended.

Being ill can be depressing, There have been times I am in tears from the pain or where I feel so weak I can not walk for too long but through this I am very grateful to have my cousin, mom, dad and sisters with me at this time supporting me and showing me amazing love. Sometimes they see how weak I am, hug me and give me a kiss on the cheek, to some this may be a small gesture but how it makes you feel inside is the opposite. I feel loved and it is amazing knowing that I have people who really love me and are there for me when Im at a very bad point in life. My family are my rock and are helping me get better day by day and they are doing this with their love. Some of my friends and relatives know I am ill, I can honestly say only 3 or 4 have showed concern and support, the rest dont care. I know they shouldnt have to run to help me, but saying "get well soon" doesnt do any harm. Maybe Im different to other people, Ive always been the one people talk to when their down, Im the one when their ill is there to support them, Im the one to put a smile on their face or make them laugh, Im the one that gives them positive words. But when it comes to me, their nowhere to be found......it says a lot about my so called friends and relatives. But that wont stop me from being the person I am, it teaches me that in my times of need I do not need to go out of my home to look for love, care and support as it is right next to me, around me :)

I am very determined to beat this illness and am fighting to enjoy the rest of the time my cousin is here. I also have a major project that I am working on and I have set myself a goal to have it running by the end of september. I am going to achieve this goal, my illness will not stop me!!!! not this time. This project is something I am very passionate about, Im so excited and am going to work so hard to make it a success.

I have been sitting at home on my laptop researching and learning new things to put in to my project, I have a vision of what I want and I have to make this vision a reality. It as been headache! as I am not a computer geek at all so some of the packages I have to use make no sense to me, Ive asked people for help and its either they dont understand my vision or they cant help me or they use computer terms that I dont know! or they want a lot of money to do it for me. I would prefer to learn it for myself so that I know and understand what I am doing fully. Let me tell you this has been stress as I have no idea where to start! sometimes I wish I had magical powers so I can make whatever I want happen within seconds.

Since being ill my phone has been on silent, Im at the point where I want to avoid being peoples shoulder to cry on, I just want some time to laugh, smile, dance, sing, play and ERASE THIS ILLNESS FROM MY LIFE! I want to live life, I want to smile so much that my cheeks hurt and laugh so much that tears roll down and I have a wonderful nights sleep. I deserve this and so thats what I am going to do.

x