Crappy days

The past week has been what I call a crappy week, I felt like crap and looked like crap! Every morning when I woke up I refused to look in the mirror because I knew how I would look, I have been feeling very run down, dehydrated and have had a lot on my mind. I had never felt this way before, I had the feeling that I was not attractive, I didnt feel pretty or feminine. No matter what I wore I just didnt feel beautiful. So I went through a small phase of wearing baggy tshirts and tracksuits. For me this is very out of character but I had to accept that from going through a recent situation I was beginning to punish myself.

I was punishing myself for things not going well, punishing myself for losing a friend, punishing myself for doing the right thing. Punishing myself for not getting the job of my dreams and punishing myself for not being where I thought I would career wise and financially. This had become a problem as I begn to get the anxiety attacks again, which I had got rid of in the beginning of the year. Some people may not know that fear and self doubt tends to do this to some people.

This was beginning to cause a few problems in my life, which is hard for some to believe. Some people do not think that in the space of a week your life can turn upside down!, mine did and I am trying to bring it back up again. From punishing myself I had no motivation what so ever to talk to friends or family on the phone when they called me, I wanted to be alone. The simplest thing like replying to messages and emails also became a daunting chore. Looking in the mirror I did not see a beautiful woman. How could 1 situation make my life change in a drastic unpleasant way???

I didnt get the dream job that I wanted which really did crush me!, I was so happy when I had the interview and the manager gave me a lot of praise, I really believed that I was getting this job. When I found out I didnt get it I was so frustrated and angry, I had put my all in to that interview as this job is what I really wanted career wise. It would be so hard finding a job opportunity like this again. Not getting the job really dampened my mood.

When I finally realised what I had been doing to myself I had to tell myself to stop! this is not who I am as a person. I sat up for a few hours creating a new vision board and was really true to myself, I put on my vision board what I really want right now in my life, what I desire, what I dream about, what I want to achieve. I also put some affirmations on the vision board. I placed my vision board on my wall so that every morning and evening I can look at it, say my affirmations and keep a positive frame of mind.

I pray every morning and meditate every morning so that I can clear my mind from all thoughts especially negative thoughts! my next step is to beat my anxiety, fear and self doubt. I have learnt that my issue is I think too much, I worry about everything and always want things to turn out perfect. I aim to make everyone else happy and forget about what I want and what will make me happy.

I am really trying to work on my fears and feel beautiful again, I know I am a beautiful person on the inside but I dont know why I feel like I am not beautiful on the outside. I guess I have to take baby steps and the 1st step would be self love and accepting that there are some things in life we can not control. The best thing to do would be to let that go and look forward to whats next to come. What comes next could be much better than what you did not get the first time round.