Ive been in my own world the past few days as I have a lot on my mind. Recently I have been very ill, The pain has been horrible and I have been feeling very weak. Ive had a bit of bed rest but I have to admit it gets very boring lying in bed watching movies or reading a book. This illness has given me time to think about which direction I am going in life, what I want in life and how to live a more happier life. Sitting down and looking at my life helped me see Im really not where I want to be in life, a lot is missing. Ive worked so hard for many years in every job that I have done but what I failed to realise at the time is that It has nothing to do with what I want to do in the future, this has been a major block in my life as now that I am trying to find a job in the field I have interest in and it is not easy at all due to the lack of work experience in this field. This began to add to my illness and really frustrate me.
It has taken for my cousins visit from France to help relax me more and escape from these negative feelings and thoughts. Since my cousin has been here we have been apart of the notting hill carnival, tried new restaraunts, natural history museum, V&A and we still have a lot of places to visit and tour. It has been so much fun and a breath of fresh air! although I must say entertaining guests can be very hard work. My little sister has been here to help out and we have really enjoyed being silly, watching movies together and chit chatting. sadly there have been times where my pains have really kicked in and made me unable to enjoy a few things like notting hill carnival!, It started out with me really enjoying myself and then all of a sudden the pain rushed in and wouldnt go away, it was horrible!, I couldnt wait to get in to bed and rest. I ended up resting in the van until It ended.
Being ill can be depressing, There have been times I am in tears from the pain or where I feel so weak I can not walk for too long but through this I am very grateful to have my cousin, mom, dad and sisters with me at this time supporting me and showing me amazing love. Sometimes they see how weak I am, hug me and give me a kiss on the cheek, to some this may be a small gesture but how it makes you feel inside is the opposite. I feel loved and it is amazing knowing that I have people who really love me and are there for me when Im at a very bad point in life. My family are my rock and are helping me get better day by day and they are doing this with their love. Some of my friends and relatives know I am ill, I can honestly say only 3 or 4 have showed concern and support, the rest dont care. I know they shouldnt have to run to help me, but saying "get well soon" doesnt do any harm. Maybe Im different to other people, Ive always been the one people talk to when their down, Im the one when their ill is there to support them, Im the one to put a smile on their face or make them laugh, Im the one that gives them positive words. But when it comes to me, their nowhere to be found......it says a lot about my so called friends and relatives. But that wont stop me from being the person I am, it teaches me that in my times of need I do not need to go out of my home to look for love, care and support as it is right next to me, around me :)
I am very determined to beat this illness and am fighting to enjoy the rest of the time my cousin is here. I also have a major project that I am working on and I have set myself a goal to have it running by the end of september. I am going to achieve this goal, my illness will not stop me!!!! not this time. This project is something I am very passionate about, Im so excited and am going to work so hard to make it a success.
I have been sitting at home on my laptop researching and learning new things to put in to my project, I have a vision of what I want and I have to make this vision a reality. It as been headache! as I am not a computer geek at all so some of the packages I have to use make no sense to me, Ive asked people for help and its either they dont understand my vision or they cant help me or they use computer terms that I dont know! or they want a lot of money to do it for me. I would prefer to learn it for myself so that I know and understand what I am doing fully. Let me tell you this has been stress as I have no idea where to start! sometimes I wish I had magical powers so I can make whatever I want happen within seconds.
Since being ill my phone has been on silent, Im at the point where I want to avoid being peoples shoulder to cry on, I just want some time to laugh, smile, dance, sing, play and ERASE THIS ILLNESS FROM MY LIFE! I want to live life, I want to smile so much that my cheeks hurt and laugh so much that tears roll down and I have a wonderful nights sleep. I deserve this and so thats what I am going to do.
x
No comments:
Post a Comment